Friday, March 05, 2010

THE SUMMER OF LOVE


The summer of bible camp was "the summer of love" (1967). How ironic I thought, while others everywhere were tuning in, turning on and dropping out, I was trying to understand basic human nature and to find out if God really does exist. From a child's perspective, I grew up thinking if the people who claim they love me and want to protect me will hurt me, then what will the rest of the world do to me? The funny thing about it is that I've gone through life waiting and wanting someone to prove me wrong. My logic says since people are human and humans are flawed, anyone is bound to hurt/disappoint someone else, but on a deeper level (one still filled with idealism and good things that can't be destroyed by this cesspool called life) I choose to hold onto the belief that love is a good thing and in many situations is the only thing that keeps us afloat.

After that summer when I fell short of receiving God's grace, I turned to trying to understand evil instead. When the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey was hot off the presses, I purchased one and read it from cover to cover hoping for a lightbulb moment. Needless to say, it was just another book filled with words written by man and it didn't explain the great mysteries of life any more than The Bible had. My spiritual journey I suppose some would say was corrupted by my inability to believe what I couldn't see. Instead of blindly believing I questioned instead. If God loved us so much then why does bad things happen to good people? Where are the miracles? Why are there wars, fathom and disease? No one seemed to be able to adequately answer these things through the verses they would throw my way. I needed more than words on a page to swallow anything I was told about God.

Eventually my salvation was found in my experimentation with drugs. As that experimentation deepened, I found certain drugs had a numbing effect. That feeling was one my whole body craved.... especially my emotions. Nothing bothered me as long as I stayed high, so by the age of 14 I stayed high all the time. I could easily sit back and blame my choices on my genetic background. I'm sure the long line of alcoholism that runs on both sides of my family would be enough of reason to say I didn't stand a chance not to be a substance abuser, yet somehow I know that's not why I changed the path I had walked as a small child. You see, I actively sought out finding something that would make me numb. It took me many years to realize that without drugs I would have been a much uglier statistic. I chose drugs. They didn't choose me.

Looking back on it, I call the next 16 years of my life "my leap of faith". They say God looks out for fools and drunks, but I think He/She has a special fondness for all addicts. Addictions, whatever they may be, cause an emotional bankruptcy in the person. No love is greater than that of a person and their drug of choice. When I say "drug", I include food, sex, gambling, shopping, work or whatever it is a person uses to escape. All other things in life come second regardless of what we tell ourselves or everyone else. That moment, at the climax when nothing else matters, I found freedom from pain and a facade that made me think nothing could hurt me again. Many years later, when the truth stared me in the face daring me to look elsewhere, I realized the truth would set me free.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for the fleeting moments of the truth I see.

13 comments:

  1. my addictions were never to numb. they were to make things more vibrant, intense. I never wanted (and still don't) to be bored. boredom leads to depression in my case. embrace addiction and avoid depression. how do you think I ended up on a fucking blog for over five years? unfortunately, the blogging drug is weak, at best.

    as for god: "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." so to speak.

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  2. truthfully, i'm simply thankful that we lived through those times...no matter what it took.

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  3. See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
    I'm crying.

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  4. well, you were supposed to ignore the next verse.

    i simply mean that I feel we are all god inside.

    don't cry. it'll make your eyes puffy.

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  5. LOL...You big goof!!! Thats the next line in the song. I finally put figured out how to put a music player on my blog. I feel like I really accomplished something! It doesn't take much these days....what I need is someone to tell me to get my ass in gear and finish my book. I have zero self-motivation these days!

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  6. yes, dear. i know it's the next line in the song...although it (the next line) defeated my purpose of taking an nonsensical phrase and turning it into something profound. or something like it.

    and...

    get your ass in gear.

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  7. side bar:

    sent something to your email addy. at least I think it is yours. i've had it forever, so you may have changed it. if you've a new one...would you send it to me, please?

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  8. I use red_kitten1@yahoo.com most often. I've had it for what seems like forever (since 1997).

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  9. oh, and you couldn't have picked a better song to pop your player's cherry.

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  10. I thought you were emailing me something (I'm sitting here waiting in breathless anticipation or with bated breath as we like to call it here in yoyoland). Is it a pie??? You know how I love pie! My favorite is rasberry pie(warm) with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

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  11. uhm...sent it this morning. apparently, it didn't make it.

    no. it's not a pie. Im not sure I've ever had raspberry pie. i love blueberry, but lemon meringue is my favorite.

    don't get excited about the email. it's something I tweaked.

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  12. ok, resent. check your box. maybe it's full. hahahahaha.

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  13. I'll have you know my box is empty [sigh] and I still have no mail or is that male??? Also, thanks for the kick in the ass...I do get them from my better friends when I need them. I guess I haven't gotten any lately because I'm so damn pitiful these days. If life is like a box of chocolates then depression is having an empty box [of everything]. I want some Frosted Flakes, dammit! I think it's time to go close my eyes...

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