I wish I could say I'm in better shape than I am, but I'm not. I feel like I have emotional diarrhea. How's that's for an image to get stuck in your head? Now, all I need is some emotional Imodium or Pepto Bismol. I can get happy and pink all in the same moment! Seriously, I woke up this morning and I was crying. How can a person cry in their sleep? I don't think I was dreaming or if I was I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I just feel drained and lost all the time.
I wish I could say it's all is due to my mother's death, but I don't think it is. I think it's me. If it was self-pity. I would kick myself in the ass and get on with it, but this goes way beyond simple self-pity. This fearless creature known as Mildred Ratched is actually scared and for the first time in her life she's absolutely clueless. I'm a basket case and just a step shy of being a blithering idiot.
So, I soothed myself by getting my hands extremely dirty. I mixed up a batch of cow manure, peat moss and dirt from my compost pile to plant some flowers, then I watched all the birds play in my backyard. Now, I sit here in my living room (I'm taking a break with a Coke and a smile) and the birds are singing so loud I can hear them. They must want me to come back outside??? If that's the case, they want me to fill their bird feeders. I guess I should go make them happy...
"cow manure, peat moss and dirt" That's enough to take your mind off anything else.
ReplyDeleteIt's great therapy!
DeleteIgnore this comment if you want, but please, if you think you need help, get it. Depression and it's ilk are monsters that steal life, and there are treatments and therapies that work.
ReplyDeletePlease take care of yourself. There's no shame in seeking such help. Also, would your mother want you to still be in this place after this amount of time, or would she want you to get the help you might need?
Thank you for your kind, supportive words and yes, I do know there's no shame in seeking help. If I truly feel I need it, I will go talk to someone (my oldest brother is a PhD and he and his wife read my blog, so he keeps his eye on me. We talk and I know if he thought I was getting too close too the edge, he'd give me a gentle nudge....hopefully, not over the edge...lol) Ya, never know when it comes to brothers!
DeleteSounds like your chronic emotional distress could benefit from some therapeutic counselling -- I hope there are health services available to you that could help!
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I am working through it...slowly. I just don't push myself. This past week has been difficult, but I know I'll mend. I'm a survivor. I've been through so much stuff in my life so I know I can get through this, but If I do feel I need therapy I will go talk to someone.
DeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteI have often cried in my sleep. Drained and lost is a dreadful place and I am glad that the garden and the birds are helping today. And hope they will tomorrow too.
Nature always helps with everything!
DeleteIt's okay not to go to the cemetery. Forever if you don't want to. Your mom isn't there, you're right. I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now, I have no good advice other than to say your feelings are valid and if you want to feel sad/cry/scream/break things/get up to your armpits in cowshit, well those are all okay.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding...really!!!
DeleteI was saddened to read of your sorrow, but it is genuine and becoming.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel a need to alter it or push through it.
Oh Doc! You rock! Please know I'm gonna get through this.
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