MATTERS OF THE HEART AND OTHER FAIRYTALES AND QUANDARIES

Often times little girls are misdirected into believing love is supposed to be some once upon a time fairytale just waiting to happen.  They read about love, dream about love and expect love to happen just as it's written. So what happens when those little girls get disillusioned and suffer from a broken heart? Some of them learn how to cope with real life while others become maniacal bitches who nag, manipulate and feel like they have to beg a man for his attention. They become willing to do anything just to be loved.  Yes, sometimes their lives become a scene right out of the movie, Fatal Attraction and when confronted with reality, they get insulted that anyone might think their behavior is erratic, illogical and just down right mean or insane at times. A snake has more warmth than a spurned woman and its bite is a lot less venomous. Doesn't the old saying go something like, "hell has no fury like a woman's scorn?"

What happened the first time you had mind-blowing sex with someone and they never called again? Hopefully, everyone is saying to themselves, "I don't have an answer to that question because I've never had a one night stand."  Hopefully, each one of you has had mind-blowing sex followed by years of unadulterated bliss with the same person or you haven't suffered the slings and arrows of unrequited love. Unfortunately, for some of us that doesn't happen.  Unfortunately, some of us have mind blowing sex and if anything follows at best, it might be a mind-blowing abusive relationship. Yep! Some of us allow ourselves to believe that we can conquer or fix anything and everything and each time we allow ourselves to remain oblivious to the writing on the wall, we get repeatedly hurt  Being blinded by false love only gives the green light for more abuse to occur.  Sure, we're afraid to walk away because we have a fear of the unknown. Because of that fear we allow our self-worth to be so badly beaten down that sometimes it becomes non-existent.  For the lucky ones when enough abuse occurs, our survival instinct finally kicks in and we get the hell out of Dodge quickly with our suitcase and what's left of our dignity in hand! But a crucial lesson we all have to learn is not to piss and moan continually about the Neanderthal we live with unless we're ready to stand up and do something about our situation.  Until we have the strength to help ourselves, we really can't expect people to support our decisions and to give us the empathy we need. Before then it's just another sad soap opera playing out and we are the drama queen extraordinaires.

Yep, I've been through it myself...looked down the barrel of a loaded gun more than once. Been tied up for a sessions of sexual fun and games only to end up having my breast used as an ashtray. The scar makes me shake my head and wonder what the hell I was thinking then...obviously I wasn't thinking and didn't have much self-respect or self-worth.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly with the expectation of a different result. Well, quite a long time ago I decided to get off that roller coaster ride and walk on flat ground again.  It was then I decided that the insanity I was living really wasn't appealing and I deserved a better life even if that better life meant being alone and as I always say being alone is a much better place to be than being with the wrong person...and a much safer place! Finding the courage to admit that and then actually removing myself from the game long enough for me to reevaluate my priorities and needs wasn't easy to do, but I did it because I knew I was long overdue for a change.  The insanity, the drama, the turmoil and the negativity had to stop!  Now, after 9 long years of being out of the relationship/dating game, I'm slowly getting to know someone again that I knew when I was a young girl before all the madness began.  Time will tell what happens, but until then at least now I know what I do and don't want and need and I have the courage to walk away if I see any red flags.  The hardest thing for me right now isn't telling myself that I'm worthy of getting to know.  It's believing it!

Repost from June 24, 2014

UPDATE: Here it is January 9, 2023, I'm still floating free in the cosmos amongst the other galactic matter...

THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

Originally written and posted December 13, 2004:

As we sat eating dinner at a very busy restaurant before taking the Humeda children and my grandson, Nathan to see Christmas lights, everywhere around us there were families and couples. Before I knew it, my daughter was crying. She silently wept as I tended to the children. She tried to hide her tears so no one would notice. The holidays are hard enough to manage under normal circumstances, but when a person has a broken heart, Christmas becomes a cruel ordeal. 

A well-dressed Afro-American woman walked towards us and stopped. She leaned in close to my daughter and told her that she had been sitting across the restaurant and had noticed the distress she felt. The kind lady shared a personal experience with my daughter in support of my daughter’s sadness and left by telling her that she would find the answer she needed most. A few minutes later I turned to see where the lady was sitting, but after not finding her, I assumed she had finished eating and left the restaurant. 

We drove to St. Anne’s, a local Catholic church known for its Christmas light display. The children raced around the grounds full of excitement in anticipation of Christmas. The cool night air had chilled our faces, so we were glad when we entered the church. Inside was magnificently decorated. The spirit of Christmas lived within the church as the choir sang various Christmas hymns. The children (three of the four of them were Muslims) asked me a million questions about the church and as I ushered them through the church, I noticed my daughter had knelt to pray. Although we are not religious, seeing her kneeling in prayer didn’t surprise me. I slid into the pew next to her and the children followed me. 

As my daughter looked up from praying, standing across the church from us was the same woman from the restaurant standing there smiling at my daughter. By the time we made our way across the crowded church to once again speak to her, she was gone. Later that night, my daughter told me that when she knelt to pray, she told "God" that she didn’t know what to say. She said that her inner voice told her to ask for the courage to accept things she could not change. I smiled at her and told her that what she was saying was the serenity prayer commonly recited at 12 step meetings. She blankly looked at me, so I went to the Internet, found the prayer and printed her a copy when we had gotten home. 

She read it and then told me that was basically what had gone through her head. The tears came again and she asked, "Mom, that lady was real, wasn’t she?" I thought for a moment and told her that I had seen her also, so she must have been real. My daughter was deeply touched by the act of kindness a stranger had shown her and we both knew that the true spirit of Christmas was alive. That lady forever more has been referred to as my daughter’s "black angel". She now keeps a statue of a little black angel on her bookcase as a reminder that she did find the answer that night in the following words:

"...Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference..."

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP

Lately, it feels as though my life is some sad cry in your beer County & Western song.  The only thing missing is some two-timing womanizing jerk...thank God for small miracles! It's hard to motivate myself to even begin to write about my days MIA.  I do appreciate all the messages and emails I've received while I've been in this dark cave eating Oreos by myself (just a silly metaphor). Most of you, seem like gentle, patient people who understand how life can really throw zingers a person's way.  

Those of you who nudge me gently...thank you and those who have been demanding and rude...get a life! For Christ sake, life does not revolve around blogging or the internet.  Yes, writing is an excellent outlet and blogging is a great way to get to know people who you might otherwise never get to know...BUT sometimes sharing is just too painful especially when the wound is fresh.  Sometimes the words just aren't there. So how do you capture a tear? Or share a broken heart? How do you convey that being alone is what you need even though everyone says being alone is the worst thing in the world? No, the worst thing in the world is having to watch someone you dearly love slowly waste away and die. The worst thing in the world is not being able to help... And in the end the worst thing in the world is not really knowing if who you loved so dearly knew how deeply you felt or how much that they will be missed after they die. 

 

My father died a week ago. The pain is fresh and I'll be back when I can focus on topics other than my own sadness.

Comments:

Stephen
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 8:15 AM
Oh I know where you’re coming from on SO MANY levels. I wish and hope that the rut you are currently in fades and goes away. It’s not easy to just "get over it" as so many people might think. Life happens and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it other than duck quickly when something gets hurled at you, if you know what I mean. 🙂

We’ll all still be here when you come back – take your time and be good to yourself. 🙂


Nina
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 9:15 AM
Thinking of you! Take good care of yourself and don’t rush through what you’re feeling…just because you or others think that you should feel differently…faster. Be patient! Life sometimes throws shit our way. "This too shall pass", as they say, but for now…just be with it and mourn your loss(es)! Many hugs, Nina


Cat
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:20 PM 
Loss like that one never really ’gets over’ or has’closure’ – be kind to yourself – hugs and soothing cups of tea to help you heal as best you can – and take all the time you need – and I found that I could write a bit about the pain of my recent losses and fear of loss even if it was only a sentence or two – and there were those who understood and that helped – was awhile before I could even strat catching up on other’s spaces but I’m working on it…


Laoch
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:39 PM
good wishes to you



Sleepdeprived
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 3:25 PM 
Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Loss is difficult and the stages of slowly watching someone you love move on is heart-breaking, at best, soul-shredding at worst. Be kind to yourself and try not to second-guess what you’re feeling or whether they know how you felt. Chances are really good that they did and the best way to show them is to have their love, laughter, and joy live on through you! All my best to you! R


Scottishpeace
JUNE 28, 2008 AT 12:47 AM
How sad you "sound"….Please know that you have a shoulder available to "cry on" privately if needed, and I’ll feed you all the Oreos you want (within health safety guidelines, of course.) Take care of yourself. You obviously have a lot of support out here in "cyberspace"….Maybe if I leave a trail of Oreos I can coax you out of your dark cave???? Think about it as an option, not a demand. I’ll be thinking of you.{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}


barbara
JUNE 30, 2008 AT 1:10 PM
Don’t neglect yourself. Take the time you need just don’t forget the beauty in the world. Even if at times like this it seems hollow and without meaning, the beauty isn’t just in what you see. Take good care of you…….. and don’t eat too many Oreo cookies.


Stephen Craig
JULY 6, 2008 AT 7:06 PM 
Dear Karen, I am sure they will know and feel your love. My Father is fading fast but seemed to light up again this past week. Mom said one day he was singing and knew all of the words to the song. Next day he was fully dressed in his wheelchair with a big smile and had his wits about him. Mom wheeled him out into the sun for awhile. Today when I called he was back in that deep sleep. God bless him. From the All we come and into the All we must one day return even though we are ever a part of the All.

Sadness is an experience as singular as pain. No one else knows how one feels. Friends keep friends in thoughts and prayers.

As ever be well,

My Friend,

Stephen Craig Rowe


EbonyWyvernDragon
JULY 7, 2008 AT 5:23 PM
I understand. more than I can say…..our hands are here for you whenever you are ready to take them….. our eyes will read whenever you are ready to share….

((((((((HUG))))))))

Dragon


Linda
JULY 8, 2008 AT 9:54 AM
Take care and know that you are loved – always and forever!

Alone is sometimes the best place to be – especially during rough times. There we can release our frustration and gather the strength to go on.

J W
AUGUST 7, 2008 AT 7:07 AM
We parted on bad terms. It was my failure to notice your struggle with pain that made this so. You are correct. There are simply times when we need to heal, or try to heal, alone. Mistakes were made. I take full blame. Yes, love really does hurt. Being a total jerk is the lot I have to live with concerning you. Hoping you find your peace. I’m working on mine. Sincerely hope you find yours first. Second chances are not always readily at hand. Just want you to be happy. That is a perfect truth.

John


Stephen Craig
AUGUST 23, 2008 AT 11:24 PM
Dear Karen, Work has been busy and all here has been madness mixed with hope, dreams and prayers. The day to day has become, one day at a time. When I rise near the crack of noon my first words are, "Thank God!" As I see the time on my nightstand then fire up the day! Dismissing all that needs be done I then light up my screen and make a pot of coffee. Call my Mother to see how Dad is doing and check email, spaces and blogs. Frame some paintings or make some new art. Then realize it is time to go to work. Enough of this for now. Hope to talk with you soon. As ever be well,

Stephen Craig Rowe


Rick
SEPTEMBER 6, 2008 AT 8:51 PM
Well hope everything is working out for you.But honestly for me this place is ruined. And done so by one person to whom the masses bow down to like sheep in the pasture. Why I can’t even come on here unless I’m piss drunk, and then it’s usually just to stir up some shit with the bad doktor blood whom I consider a Internet predator. No, I’ll never have a blog again, and certainly can see why you have left yours.Too bad really. Because it was enjoyable at one time.Take care…