TO MILDRED FROM MILDRED

There are few absolutes in life. With the exception of birth, death and taxes everything else falls in a hazy gray area subject to loopholes, pitfalls and mediocrity. There is however one other thing I can say with 100% certainty about my life in general. No one should ever use my life as a model for sobriety. The road I've walked to get here has been an exhausting one. I did everything the Mildred Ratched method instead of doing them in a way that would have been faster, easier and with better results. Never being able to completely surrender has always been a huge problem for me. My inability to learn by other people's mistakes and having to do everything the hard way isn't due to any genetic mule-like tendency. My real problem stems from lack of trust. When a person is damaged at a young age, they spend their entire life either trying to heal or trying to run away... or both. 

Their futile attempts of trying to gain normalcy is like some slow emotional death sentence. Somehow they manage to prove ourselves right time after time by the unhealthy relationships they form and the tangled, drama-filled situations in which they become involved. The outcome is always the same...disaster, disappointment and despair. Throughout life I have learned how to skillfully navigate through failure, but never have learned the proper keys to success. As long as I manage to remove drama and negativity from my life, I'm able to stay afloat. As long as I isolate myself from having any intimate relationships involving love and sex, my thinking stays relatively unclouded. As long as I have virtually no life, I can live drug free. So what! So what if I can say "Hey, look at me. I stopped doing drugs!" My life absent of drugs is far from what anyone would call a life. Every fiber in me screams at anyone looking at my life for answers to look elsewhere. Anyone looking at me needs to quickly come to the conclusion that they need to do things the right way and not the Mildred Ratched method. They need to find a way to let go and trust others. They need to stick with it and know anything good in life requires great patience and extreme effort.  

So here I am 50 something years old and I'm wondering when the hell that happened. How have I managed to come so far, but never leave square one? The ugly truth is that I isolate myself just to stay sane, sober and safe. Surely, there could have, should have been some other way to get here, but Miss Mildred Mule picked the path of least resistance. She picked the path where all she had to do was do what she does best...listen to herself and no one else. Trust herself and no one else. In doing so, Mildred picked the path once again of self-destruction. Mildred's addiction without drugs is like a gun. She just keep loading her gun, placing it to her head and firing away. So far, her gun has shot blanks. So far all her gun has done is numb her to its horrors. So far, all her gun has done is kept her from living, from being able to succeed and be happy, from being able to accomplish anything that requires effort, focus and stamina. Pulling that trigger everyday is the easiest thing Mildred has ever done!

* reposted from November, 18, 2011

DAY 27 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

 Day 27: A song that breaks your heart 

On November 8 and 9, 1992, Browne performed in Honolulu with Bonnie Raitt, Crosby, Stills & Nash and the Pahinui Brothers in a benefit concert for the victims of Hurricane Iniki which had devastated the island of Kauai two months earlier.

On October 25, 2014, Browne performed at the Arlington Theatre in Santa Barbara, California, in a benefit concert for Sanctuary Centers of Santa Barbara, a nonprofit providing mental health and co-occurring disorders treatment services. Jessie Bridges, Jeff Bridges and David Crosby also performed at this benefit. On August 11, 2015, he performed another benefit concert for Sanctuary Centers at the Santa Barbara Bowl.

In November 2013, Browne performed with students from School of Rock West LA and Burbank in a benefit concert for the Rock School Scholarship Fund, at the legendary Troubadour in West Hollywood. His set of hits including "Somebody's Baby", "Doctor My Eyes", and "Take It Easy" were all performed with students aged 13 to 17 accompanying him. Money raised went toward scholarships for children who want to attend any rock school in the USA but whose parents do not have the financial means.

In April 2012, Browne performed for Artists for the Arts benefit along with Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket and the band Venice. The benefit was to keep arts and music in public schools funded and raised over $100,000. This was Browne's fifth appearance out of the nine annual shows that have taken place. The band Venice was the main act and performed all supporting music for the guest artists along with a student orchestra and choir from the Santa Monica High and Malibu High school districts. The concert, held at Barnum Hall, was a sold-out event.

In 2008, Browne contributed to the album Songs for Tibet, an initiative to support Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, and to publicize the human rights situation in Tibet. The album was issued on August 5 via iTunes and on August 19 in music stores around the world.

Browne covered John Lennon's "Oh My Love" to benefit Amnesty International's campaign to alleviate the crisis in Darfur. The song appears on the album Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur, which was released on June 12, 2007, and features many other artists performing other John Lennon covers, such as R.E.M., Jack Johnson, U2, Avril Lavigne, Green Day, and The Black Eyed Peas.

Browne performed live and recorded The Beatles song medley "Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight" in 1991 with Jennifer Warnes for the charity album For Our Children to benefit the Pediatrics AIDS Foundation. Browne and Warnes again performed it live for the Tucson, AZ, benefit concert.

Browne performed and sang the role of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz in Concert: Dreams Come True, a 1995 musical performance for charity alongside Roger Daltrey, Natalie Cole, Nathan Lane, and other stars. The celebrity cast performed a reader's theatre and songs styled performance of the MGM film The Wizard of Oz at the Lincoln Center as a benefit for the Children's Defense Fund. VHS and CD recordings were released of the concert in 1996 by Rhino Records.

Browne covered Lowen & Navarro's "Weight of the World" on Keep The Light Alive: Celebrating The Music of Lowen & Navarro. The proceeds of the album benefit The Eric Lowen Trust, ALS Association Greater Los Angeles, and Augie's Quest.

Browne also held a benefit concert for the Rory David Deutsch Foundation which is dedicated to providing funding for brain tumor research and treatment.

In October 2010, Browne performed at both days of the 24th Annual Bridge School Benefit Concert, a yearly fundraiser established by Neil Young. The Bridge School assists children with severe physical impairments and complex communication needs. Browne also appeared at the 2010 NAMM Conference in Anaheim, California with Yoko Ono and Quincy Jones in support of the John Lennon Educational Tour Bus.

On March 10, 2011, Browne, David Crosby, Graham Nash, Alice Cooper, and others performed a benefit concert in Tucson, Arizona, benefiting The Fund For Civility, Respect, and Understanding, a foundation that raises awareness about and provides medical prevention and treatment services to people with mental disorders. The concert also benefited victims of the January 8, 2011, shootings in Tucson.

On July 23, 2013, Browne performed with the Kings of Leon and the Flaming Lips in Oklahoma City for Rock for Oklahoma, a benefit concert for Oklahoma tornado victims.

Browne has continued to provide exclusive music tracks for various charity and benefit albums, including Safety Harbor Kids Holiday Collection (where he sang the Johnny Marks holiday song "Silver and Gold" with longtime friend Lowell George's daughter, Inara George). Browne provided a live version of "Drums of War" for The People Speak Soundtrack. Other charity albums he has contributed to include: Acordes Con Leonard Cohen (song: "A Thousand Kisses Deep"), From Wharf Rats to Lords of the Docks Soundtrack (song: "Step By Step"), Shrink (the Kevin Spacey film soundtrack) (song: "Here"), Keep the Light Alive: Celebrating the Music of Eric Lowen and Dan Navarro (song: "Weight of the World"), and 1% for the Planet: The Music, Vol. 1 (a live version of "About My Imagination"), as well as many benefit concert and other appearances.

In 2002, Browne received the John Steinbeck Award, given to artists who exemplify the environmental and social values that Steinbeck believed in.

On March 14, 2004, Browne was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by Bruce Springsteen. On June 7, 2007, he was inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

In 2004, Browne was named an honorary Doctor of Music by Occidental College in Los Angeles for "a remarkable musical career that has successfully combined an intensely personal artistry with a broader vision of social justice." For "promoting peace and justice through his music and his unrelenting support for that which promotes nonviolent solutions to problems both nationally and internationally", Browne received the Courage of Conscience Awards from The Peace Abbey in Sherborn, Massachusetts.

In 2007, Browne was awarded the Chapin-World Hunger Year Harry Chapin Humanitarian Award.

In 2008, Browne received the NARM Harry Chapin Humanitarian Award.

In 2008, Browne received the Golden Plate Award of the American Academy of Achievement in recognition of his lifetime in the arts and dedication as a social activist. His award was presented by Awards Council member Senator Tom Daschle.

In 2018, Browne received the Gandhi Peace Award from the organization Promoting Enduring Peace. He is the first artist to receive the award.

*(borrowed from Wikipedia)

A SILENT OVERGROWN PATH

By George, I think I have it all figured out! Now, all I have to do is figure out what to do with it... I have given great thought to what I lovingly call my serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine crisis aka The Big D (depression). Socrates would be so proud of me for leaving no stone unturned in my continuing crusade to examine my life. Yes, after close scrutiny, I'm quite sure my brain has always lacked something that others seem to have. I've always wondered why someone who is highly intelligent doesn't function at a level that reflects their intelligence while others who appear to be quite dense rise to the top like cream. Sure, the lack of support and guidance early in my life probably didn't help, but others who have been products of dysfunction have overcome great obstacles to become successful and happy. So why haven't I? Am I lazy? Am I simply unmotivated?

 Anyone who knows me knows laziness isn't the culprit as reflected in my Wonder Woman status for much of my adult life. It always amused me whenever I heard, "Get Karen to do it. She can do anything!" Yes, Karen can do anything, but be successful and happy. My list of things I've started in life, yet never finished is so long it's mind boggling. That in itself would be a major cause for depression in most people. But unlike most people who have a fear of failure, I find failing to be a relatively easy thing to digest. For me, it's succeeding that throws me in a tizzy. Maybe it's confusing how someone can be labeled as Wonder Woman, yet feel like a failure. Sure, I can do anything, but I become bored and distracted easily and never feel as if I'm challenged for very long. Everything I've done in life to this point only seems like menial tasks to get by, when I know I'm capable of so much more. Okay, so why didn't I choose something that I felt challenged me? Ahhhhh, there it is! That's where the fear of success rears its ugly head. That's where the face of self-destruction comes into focus.

I've never found that one thing that feels like "home" my niche, that special place where I belong because I've always held myself back from exploring the possibilities by never allowing myself the luxury of completion or success. What an excellent way to punish ones self! And at this point I don't even know anymore why I feel punishment is necessary. The old demons appear to be dead, so is it just a lack of not knowing how to proceed or where to proceed from here? At this point is it habit more than anything else? I've always felt like I'm treading around in some murky mud puddle under a dark cloud awaiting impending doom, but I learned to build a convincing facade early in life. I became the class clown, the risk-taker, the first to do everything, the organizer, the one who questioned whether the sky is really blue. 

I always needed the feeling of being on the edge to feel alive. I needed to push all the boundaries and test all the limits except my own. All sensation I gathered were from external sources and never from within. Now, that I've distanced myself from the edge I feel a void in my life. I'm lost and feel as if I'm slowly spiraling down. The murky mud puddle is becoming increasingly more difficult to navigate. I think living on the edge was how I self-medicated to replace the lack of serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine I possessed. I think engaging in risky behaviors and unhealthy relationships was my way of keeping the adrenaline pumping. It was my way of feeling normal because I've never had a clue as to what normal really is. Even the bad boys who were initially oh so delicious become predictable and boring after awhile. Now, everything has become predictable and boring and now... once where my demons treaded is a silent overgrown path. 

reposted from 10/24/2011

DAY 26 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 26: A song that makes you want to fall in love

Despite Aerosmith's popularity and success in the 1970s, it wasn't until their comeback in the late-1980s and 1990s when they started winning awards and major recognition. In 1987, Aerosmith won the Soul Train Music Award for Best Rap – Single for the re-mix of "Walk This Way" with Run-D.M.C. In 1990, Aerosmith won their first Grammy award, for Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal, and went on to win a total of four such awards (all of them in the 1990s) for "Janie's Got a Gun", "Livin' on the Edge", "Crazy", and "Pink". Aerosmith is second only to U2 in the number of awards won in that category.

In addition, Aerosmith's music videos won numerous awards throughout the 1990s. Aerosmith ranks as the ninth most successful artist (and the third most successful group) of all-time at the MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs), with ten such awards to date. Aerosmith is also the all-time leader in the categories Best Rock Video (with four such awards) and Viewer's Choice (with three such awards). Aerosmith has also won once each in the categories Video of the Year, Best Group Video, and Best Video from a Film. The videos for which Aerosmith has won VMAs are "Janie's Got a Gun" (2 awards), "The Other Side", "Livin' on the Edge", "Cryin'" (3 awards), "Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)", "Pink", and "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing".

Over the course of their career (primarily 1990 and after), Aerosmith has also collected six American Music Awards, four Billboard Music Awards, two People's Choice Awards, sixteen Boston Music Awards, and numerous other awards and honors. Some of the high accolades Aerosmith have achieved include induction into Hollywood's Rock Walk in 1990, a declaration of "Aerosmith Day" in the state of Massachusetts by then-Governor William Weld on April 13, 1993, induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2001, and being honored with the mtvICON award in 2002.

In the fields of technology and video games, Aerosmith has achieved several feats. In 1994, Aerosmith released the song "Head First" on the CompuServe online service, which is considered to be the first full-length commercial product available online. In 2008, Aerosmith became the first artist to have an entire Guitar Hero video game based around them with Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. Guitar Hero: Aerosmith is considered to be the best-selling band-centric video game across both the Guitar Hero and Rock Band platforms.

Aerosmith also holds several chart and album sales feats, including the second highest number of number-one singles on the Mainstream Rock Tracks chart for a group with nine, the only number one debut on the Billboard Hot 100 by a rock group with "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing", the second most gold albums by an American group behind Kiss who has 30, the most total certifications (including gold, platinum, and multi-platinum combined) by an American group, and are tied with Van Halen for the most multi-platinum albums by an American group. From the Recording Industry Association of America, Aerosmith has achieved 25 gold, 18 platinum, and 12 multi-platinum album certifications, in addition to one diamond album, four gold singles, and one platinum digital single. Media often refer to Aerosmith, who have sold more than 150 million albums worldwide and 70.2 million in the United States, as the best-selling American rock band.

Aerosmith were honored as MusiCares Person of the Year in 2020.

*(borrowed from Wikipedia) 

  

DAY 25 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 25: A song you like by an artist no longer living 

Janis Lyn Joplin (January 19, 1943 – October 4, 1970) was an American singer and musician. One of the most successful and widely known rock stars of her era, she was noted for her powerful mezzo-soprano vocals and "electric" stage presence.

In 1967, Joplin rose to fame following an appearance at Monterey Pop Festival, where she was the lead singer of the then little-known San Francisco psychedelic rock band Big Brother and the Holding Company. After releasing two albums with the band, she left Big Brother to continue as a solo artist with her own backing groups, first the Kozmic Blues Band and then the Full Tilt Boogie Band. She appeared at the Woodstock festival and on the Festival Express train tour. Five singles by Joplin reached the Billboard Hot 100, including a cover of the Kris Kristofferson song "Me and Bobby McGee", which reached number one in March 1971. Her most popular songs include her cover versions of "Piece of My Heart", "Cry Baby", "Down on Me", "Ball and Chain", "Summertime", and her original song "Mercedes Benz", her final recording.

Joplin died of a heroin overdose in 1970, at the age of 27, after releasing three albums (two with Big Brother and the Holding Company and one solo album). A second solo album, Pearl, was released in January 1971, just over three months after her death. It reached number one on the Billboard charts. She was posthumously inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1995. Rolling Stone ranked Joplin number 46 on its 2004 list of the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time and number 28 on its 2008 list of 100 Greatest Singers of All Time. She remains one of the top-selling musicians in the United States, with Recording Industry Association of America certifications of 18.5 million albums sold.

*(borrowed from Wikipedia) 

DAY 24 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 24: A song by a band you wish were still together 

The Beatles' earliest influences include Elvis Presley, Carl Perkins, Little Richard and Chuck Berry. During the Beatles' co-residency with Little Richard at the Star-Club in Hamburg, from April to May 1962, he advised them on the proper technique for performing his songs. Of Presley, Lennon said, "Nothing really affected me until I heard Elvis. If there hadn't been Elvis, there would not have been the Beatles." Other early influences include Buddy Holly, Eddie Cochran, Roy Orbison and the Everly Brothers.

The Beatles continued to absorb influences long after their initial success, often finding new musical and lyrical avenues by listening to their contemporaries, including Bob Dylan, the Who, Frank Zappa, the Lovin' Spoonful, the Byrds and the Beach Boys, whose 1966 album Pet Sounds amazed and inspired McCartney. Referring to the Beach Boys' creative leader, Martin later stated: "No one made a greater impact on the Beatles than Brian [Wilson]." Ravi Shankar, with whom Harrison studied for six weeks in India in late 1966, had a significant effect on his musical development during the band's later years.

* (borrowed from Wikipedia)

WHEN KRIS KRINGLE DOESN'T JINGLE

It's always bothered me when people complain about the usage of the phrase "Happy Holidays." For some reason Christians believe they have the market cornered on the holiday season and everyone should say "Merry Christmas" to each other when in reality 66% of all the people who call Earth their home are not of the Christian faith. Quite simply the list of the world's major religions and their populations looks something like this: 1.Christianity: 2.1 billion 2.Islam: 1.5 billion 3.Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion 4.Hinduism: 900 million 5.Chinese traditional religion: 394 million 6.Buddhism: 376 million 7.primal-indigenous: 300 million 8.African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million 9.Sikhism: 23 million 10.Juche: 19 million 11.Spiritism: 15 million 12.Judaism: 14 million 13.Baha'i: 7 million 14.Jainism: 4.2 million 15.Shinto: 4 million 16.Cao Dai: 4 million 17.Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million 18.Tenrikyo: 2 million 19.Neo-Paganism (Wicca, Magick, Druidism, Asatru, Native American religion and others): 1 million 20.Unitarian-Universalism: 800 thousand 21.Rastafarianism: 600 thousand 22.Scientology: 500 thousand

During the months of November and December which are traditionally viewed as the holiday season, many of these religions have major holidays. For example: Samhain - Beltane (Wicca/Pagan) Eid al Adha (Islam) Guru Nanak Dev Sahib birthday (Sikh) Birth of Baha'u'llah (Baha'i) Gkuru Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom (Sikh) Day of Covenant (Baha'i) Hijra - New Year (Islam) Ashura (Islam) Bodhi Day (Buddhism) Hanukkah (Jewish) Yule (Wicca/Pagan) Litha (Wicca/Pagan) Christmas (Christian) Zarathosht Diso (Zoroastrian) Kwanzaa (secular/noneligious) Since we do live in a melting pot, doesn't it make more sense to say "Happy Holidays" to a stranger out of respect for other cultures and religions than to say "Merry Christmas" to someone who may not celebrate Christmas?

*reposted November 15, 2011

DAY 23 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

 Day 23: A song you think everybody should listen to

This selection may come as a huge surprise, but yes, I like classical music. Without music like this there wouldn't have been any music of today. I know this piece is rather long, but maybe you can listen to it at night and drift off into a deep peaceful sleep while listening to it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM MILDRED

To celebrate Halloween I thought something a little "magical" might be in order: 

THE MAGICAL DOOR: POWER COLORS TO PAINT YOUR ENTRANCE

In feng shui and the magical arts, your front door is known as one of the most powerful places in your home.

It’s literally the threshold where the energy from the outside world – visible and invisible – enters your home and becomes your own. Even if you don’t use your front door frequently, it’s the symbolic entry point of blessings and wealth.

In feng shui, the front door is known as the “mouth of chi.” Just like our actual mouths are the places where we receive nourishment that keeps us alive, our front door is the place where we receive the energetic and physical resources that keep our homes happy and healthy.

With that in mind, a front door color is sort of like lipstick: it draws attention to this power point and defines the energy in a particular way. Energetically, your front door color defines the vibration of your home and advertises the qualities of energy you want to call into your life. Painting your front door a vibrant color can work well whether your house is brick, natural wood, gray, white, beige, tan, brown, or anything else, and will help boost the unique visual appeal of your home.

In a number of feng shui schools of thought, the direction your door faces informs the shades you have to choose from. In my personal opinion and experience, following your intuition about what feels right to you overrides potential directional considerations.

Here are six auspicious and protective door color ideas and the meanings and magical properties they possess.

You might want to consider the meanings and magical properties associated with these door color ideas in when you choose the color you want to paint your door, or you may prefer to paint your door the color that calls to you most. Paint color choices can be a form of divination: your intuitive preference will indicate your subconscious magical intentions.

(Of course, if you can’t paint your door because you’re renting, don’t worry! While a freshly painted door can add a nice magical touch, it’s not a make-or-break scenario. But you may be surprised, and it doesn’t hurt to ask! Some landlords are open to the idea.)

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #1: RED

Red is a classic door color in feng shui. That’s because in feng shui, the color red is considered celebratory, successful, prosperous, and protective. A red door is one of the best door colors because it has a cheerful, radiant vibration that keeps negativity out and calls positivity in. If you’re wondering what shade of red to paint your door, keep in mind that bright shades are considered the luckiest.

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #2: BLUE



Blue is a favorite magical door color of legendary Witchcraft author Scott Cunningham. In his classic book The Magical Household, he recommends painting your door blue for protection. A blue door is one of the best door color choices for Witches and other magical practitioners, as it wards off negativity while inviting in harmony and peace. If these magical qualities appeal to you, choose a bright royal or deep sapphire blue for your front door.

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #3: PURPLE



A purple door is a glorious, magical thing. In addition to enhancing wealth and prosperity vibrations in your home, a purple door invites in magic, synchronicity, and divine guidance. A purple front door helps anchor your magical worldview and preserves a sense that life is magical within your home. Choose a vibrant purple for your front door in order to reap the most benefits from this color choice.

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #4: BLACK



A black door emanates elegance and promotes success, which is why feng shui considers it one of the best color choices for your front door. As the color of the water element in feng shui, a black front door helps align you with your most ideal career path and promotes a harmonious flow in work. If you’re focused on your career and life path at this stage in your life, black might be the front door color for you. From a feng shui perspective, navy blue possesses similar properties to black, so you if these door color properties appeal to you, you might like to choose navy blue as an alternate.

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #5: GREEN



If you’re drawn to forests and the magical properties of plants and herbs, chances are good you’ll love having a green door. As the color of money and healthy greenery, a green door also calls in wealth and abundance. Green is one of the best door colors to choose for money magic and aligning with the magic of the earth. Be sure to choose a green that reminds you of a lush and vibrant landscape in order to maximize the luxurious benefits of this magical door color.

MAGICAL DOOR COLOR #6: PINK



If you think a pink door wouldn’t be protective, think again! While pink gets a bad rap as a cutesy color, it’s actually a surprisingly powerful and useful color in magic and witchcraft. It keeps harshness and negativity out, calls in sweetness and positivity, and generally promotes good vibes and good luck. A pink door also invites in friendship, harmony, and love. Choose any shade of pink that you like for your door, but be aware that less noticeable pinks will begin to lose their magical qualities. In general, brighter and more vibrant colors are the most powerful when it comes to door colors

DAY 22 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 22: A song that moves you forward 

Just because this reminds me from where I came and I needn't say any more...

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!

I just looked back over the things I've posted since I started blogging years ago and smiled when I realized how disjointed my posts are.  Perhaps I need to go back to the beginning and put my life's story into chronological order so it makes more sense.  Being scattered is indicative of what lurks just below the surface.  It's like a game of dodgeball.  Being scattered makes the reading more difficult and the reliving it even more difficult.  I tell one story, but I skip over the before and after...those parts are most likely more important than the story I selected to tell.  Those parts were the true catalyst for what drove me, so here's my second attempt to right a

wrong by starting my story in a better spot.  

I was born into a family with a mother who was a seamstress, a father who was a fireman and three older brothers who were jocks by the time they reached high school.  That sentence depicts a rather normal family, but the period after the word "jocks" is where the normalcy ends.  I look at photos of myself from my childhood and I never see what I would call a happy child.  I never smiled except during school photos and then it was forced.  I felt ugly and awkward growing up.  I was always the tallest in my class.  During that era it wasn't fashionable for a woman to be tall, so when I started wearing jeans I had to buy boy's jeans to get the inseam long enough.  I bought Levi's at Freese's Department Store on Main Street for $4.95 a pair. I can remember licking and sticking green stamps in books so I could buy blue jeans that fit my curveless physique.  I was so relieved when tall super models hit the scene and changed perceptions of what beautiful looked like.  Thank you Twiggy!

I don't ever remember being teased about be tall or for wearing glasses except from my brothers.  They would tell me I was going to be 6 feet tall when I finished growing.  I would cry and feel like a freak.  They made it seems like I'd never be called beautiful or looked at by a boy.  In fact, they made me feel that I looked like a boy.  I was doomed to be an old maid!  Perhaps that's a brother's job to keep their sister from getting too full of herself.  If so, mine were excellent at that job.  I do have to reveal that their prediction about my height was wrong.  At my tallest I was 5'10 and now, I've begun to shrink.  The last time I was measured I was 5'7".   By the time I'm a very old woman, I might be considered of average height.  Hooray for the golden years, but BOO for having  so many problems with my back!

In hindsight, I don't know why my mother didn't take me under her wing and show me what girls are supposed to do.  She dressed nicely and wore make-up, but by the time I reached my teenage years I wasn't interested in learning to be prissy.  I always hated make up and rarely wore any.  I hated the way it felt on my skin. My closet was full of nice clothes my mother had made, but I wasn't interested in dressing in of them.  A pair of holey jeans and a T-shirt seemed to suffice.  When mini dresses were in style I wore them, but I was never comfortable with showing off my long legs.  I never felt like I had any redeeming physical qualities because no one ever told me I did.  I just assumed when you look like me people say nothing to be polite. When you look like me, you have no reason to primp or smile.  You just learn to keep it all in and suffer in silence.  When you look like me, every other female in the world is prettier.  You envy your female friends and feel horrible because you can't hide the ugly you were given. I mentioned Twiggy earlier...well, I can't really thank her because I truly hated her because my mother had me get my hair cut short like hers. If you cut a girl's hair like that who has a shapeless body you doom her to look like a boy. You talk about having a complex! 

The same went for all my other qualities and potential talents.  I never realized I was smart and that not everyone was capable of getting A's.  I just assumed because I got A's, everyone else did too, but by the time I reached 7th grade I knew I'd never finish high school.  It was like a dark cloud hovering over me preventing me from seeing the good inside myself.  I longed for recognition, but I wasn't good at doing anything.  I was never patted on the back and told "hey kiddo, I think you have something there.  Maybe you should pursue that."  When the dark side took over completely, I discovered I was excellent at hate, discontent and sorrow.  I had a gift for getting into trouble and being outrageous.  Ah! Finally recognition!

From a very early age I loved to write and often times sat in my room writing little stories and drawing pictures.  Paper was in abundance at our house because my grandfather worked at the Eastern Papermill in Brewer and one of the perks was free paper. As I wrote and drew, I always felt as though I was just wasting paper and that it was awful being so wasteful. I tried to hide how much paper I used by stashing away everything I created under the bed, in the closet and in my drawers.  Surfacely, my room looked presentable, but like my life it was actually cluttered and disorganized. As I wrote and drew, I assumed everyone could do the same.  It wasn't until much later in life that I made a startling discovery and at that moment, I was filled with so many emotions I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I was angry because I didn't receive any encouragement when I was growing up and I was sad because I had wasted so much time living behind a wall. I made myself remember how my creations were never showcased, but thrown away each time my mother decided my room needed a thorough cleaning.  Our refrigerator door was bare except for the occasional newspaper cartoon that was taped there.  The void I grew up in wasn't loud and maddening.  It was dark and cold.  There was no praise and encouragement.  There was only waves of pain and disappointment.

As I got older and could no longer avoid making certain realizations, I felt worse the more potential I discovered I had.  You would think a healthy person making those types of discoveries would feel elated.  They would open their wings and soar amongst the clouds.  Not I!  I stopped writing and drawing about the same time I stopped doing drugs around age 30 and didn't start again for almost 15 years. I had this overwhelming need to punish myself, to stifle myself and to deny myself any recognition for a job well done.  I called myself stupid for not seeing obvious things and for allowing my inner demons to run amok.  I hated being weak and I hated me!  I still struggle with those demons, but I'm able to comfort that little girl inside myself and tell her that she's the bright spot in my life.  Mildred, you are my sunshine!

*reposted from 10/26/2019

DAY 21 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

 Day 21: A song you like with a person’s name in the title 

In a 1969 interview, Fogerty said that he wrote it in the two days after he was discharged from the National Guard. In the liner notes for the 2008 expanded reissue of Bayou Country, Joel Selvin explained that the songs for the album started when Fogerty was in the National Guard, that the riffs for "Proud Mary", "Born on the Bayou", and "Keep on Chooglin'" were conceived by Fogerty at a concert in the Avalon Ballroom, and "Proud Mary" was arranged from parts of different songs, one of which was about a washerwoman named Mary. The line "Left a good job in the city" was written following Fogerty's discharge from the National Guard, and the line "rollin' on the river" was from a movie by Will Rogers.

"Proud Mary's" singer, a low-wage earner, leaves what he considers a "good job," which he might define as steady work, even though for long hours under a dictatorial boss. He decides to follow his impulse and imagination and hitches a ride on a riverboat queen, bidding farewell to the city. Only when the boat pulls out does he see the "good side of the city"—which, for him, is one in the distance, far removed from his life. Down by the river and on the boat, the singer finds protection from "the man" and salvation from his working-class pains in the nurturing spirit and generosity of simple people who "are happy to give" even "if you have no money." The river in Fogerty and traditionally in literature and song is a place holding biblical and epical implications. ... Indeed, the river in "Proud Mary" offers not only escape but also rebirth to the singer.

The song is a seamless mix of black and white roots music ..."Proud Mary" is, of course, a steamboat traveling up and down the river. Fogerty's lyric sketches out a vivid picture of the protagonist finding a comfortable niche in a community of outsiders ... The story connects back to Mark Twain; it brings the myth [of "the rambling man and life along the Mississippi"] into the sixties.

In the Macintosh application "GarageBand", Fogerty explained that he liked Beethoven's Fifth Symphony[clarification needed] and wanted to open a song with a similar intro (descending by a third), implying the way "Proud Mary" opens with the repeated C chord to A chord. Fogerty wanted to evoke male gospel harmonies, as exemplified by groups he was familiar with such as the Swan Silvertones, the Sensational Nightingales, and the Five Blind Boys of Mississippi; especially on the line, "Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river"; and in the guitar solo he did his "best [imitation of] Steve Cropper." The basic track for "Proud Mary", as with the other songs on the album, was recorded by John Fogerty (lead guitar), Tom Fogerty (rhythm guitar), Stu Cook (bass), and Doug Clifford (drums) at RCA Studios in Hollywood, California, with John overdubbing instruments and all the vocals later.

Billboard described "Proud Mary" as a "driving blues item with a strong beat."Cash Box described it as "a steady moving mid-speed chunk of funk and rhythm that will make itself felt in both pop and underground spots." Cash Box ranked it as the No. 55 single of 1969.

*(borrowed from Wikipedia) 

THE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS CLUB

The Pathological Liars Club is now accepting applications for membership. Please make all inquiries within and state your qualifications for consideration by the prestigious membership committee. Club meetings will be held at the following location: The Pathological Liars Clubhouse on every 3rd Monday of the month.

*reposted from November 15, 2011

DAY 20 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

 Day 20: A song that has many meanings to you 

For each of the other songs I have included during the 30 Songs In 30 Days challenge I've included information about the group and/or the song but for this one since this one is so personal to me I'd like to include why it touches my heart. I started a website in 2001 in attempt to bring a whole group of old friends and acquaintances back together. I was told at that time, "build it and they will come!" Yes, it was my Field of Dreams moment! So I built it and they came. This is the song I used on the home page of that website. Since then, some have passed on and some have remained and those who have never found their way home because they can't or won't, you my friends will remain forever young with the rest of us... We are here waiting with open arms!

DAY 19 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 19: A song that makes you think about life 

This is about how people turn away from the “weak and the weary”, despite the fact that suffering is such a big problem in the world.

David Gilmour (Only Music, December 1987): “‘Turning Away’ is about the political situations in the world. We have these rather right-wing conservative governments that don’t seem to care about many things other than looking after themselves.”

 

On the turning away

From the pale and downtrodden

And the words they say which we won't understand

"Don't accept that, what's happening

Is just a case of other's suffering

Or you'll find that you're joining in

The turning away"

It's a sin that somehow

Light is changing to shadow

And casting its shroud over all we have known

Unaware how the ranks have grown

Driven on by a heart of stone

We could find that we're all alone

In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night

As the daytime is stirring

Where the speechless unite in a silent accord

Using words you will find are strange

Mesmerised as they light the flame

Feel the new wind of change

On the wings of the night

No more turning away

From the weak and the weary

No more turning away from the coldness inside

Just a world that we all must share

It's not enough just to stand and stare

Is it only a dream that there'll be

No more turning away?

HERE'S YOUR SIGN

Bill Engvall suggests that stupid people should wear a sign cautioning others of their stupidity. Well, I have a group of people I can add to that ever growing population of willfully dense people. 

 On October 7, 2022 I wrote a blog post titled  A SIGN OF OUR TIMES discussing a reading comprehnsion problem and what that problem might cause. The other day my son called me on his lunch break informing me that my prediction had finally come true. Instead of handing out fines, I suggest they shame people by placing stickers on these peoples cars indicating that they can't read and/or follow directions.

            

 HEAD IN PARKING ONLY

OOPS!

DAY 18 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

I took the liberty to change this from a song from the year you were born to the the decade you were born for security purposes because you can never be too careful. As a friend of mine reminds me often that we live in a world that is unsafe these days and too many people out here are looking to do us all harm. His warning comes not from paranoia but from the job he does. 

Day 18: A song from the decade you were born

In The Guardian, Joe Queenan wrote that "Johnny B. Goode" is "probably the first song ever written about how much money a musician could make by playing the guitar", and argued that "no song in the history of rock'n'roll more jubilantly celebrates the downmarket socioeconomic roots of the genre". In Billboard, Jason Lipshutz stated that the song was "the first rock-star origin story", and that it featured "a swagger and showmanship that had not yet invaded radio."

When Chuck Berry was inducted during the first Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony on January 23, 1986, he performed "Johnny B. Goode" and "Rock and Roll Music", backed by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. The Hall of Fame included these songs and "Maybellene" in their list of the 500 songs that shaped rock and roll. It was inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1999, for its influence as a rock and roll single.

"Johnny B. Goode" has been recorded by a wide variety of artists in different genres. In 1969, country musician Buck Owens's version topped Billboard magazine's Hot Country Sides chart. In 1972, Jimi Hendrix had a posthumous hit with a live version, which peaked at number 35 on the UK Singles Chart. and number 13 on the New Zealand Top 50 in 1986. Peter Tosh's rendition peaked at number 84 on the Billboard Hot 100, number 48 on the UK Singles Chart, number 10 in the Netherlands, and number 29 in New Zealand in 1983. In 1988, Judas Priest's version reached number 64 on the UK Singles Chart. The Sex Pistols also covered it for their soundtrack The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle in 1979.

A cover version is included in the film Back to the Future, when the lead character Marty McFly plays it at a high school dance. Actor Michael J. Fox explained his approach to "incorporate all the characteristics and mannerisms and quirks of my favourite guitarists, so a Pete Townshend windmill, and Jimi Hendrix behind the back, and a Chuck Berry duckwalk. And we worked all that in." Reviewer Gregory Wakeman described it as "one of the best musical performances in movie history".

*(borrowed from Wikipedia) 

ME TOO! PART TWO

I'd like to thank Brett Michael Kavanaugh for inadvertently tearing through my rather tough scar tissue and causing some ugly wounds to reopen. I remember a time when I couldn't be in a room if there was something on TV about sexual assault or molestation or if the topic happened to come up in a group of people I instantly became invisible in fear I'd be asked to contribute something to the conversation. God forbid, if someone made a tasteless joke about the subject...I'd die a hundred silent deaths without anyone knowing I was in pain. I think it's common for people with any deep wound to eventually learn how to skillfully mask any visible pain they have.

So here I sit wide awake in the middle of the night alone with my thoughts recounting my episodes of sexual abuse. That's not a good thing for anyone to do, but as the old saying goes "you can run, but you can't hide." Do you remember how I once wrote that I'm an emotional cutter? I guess this is one of those times. So consider this an invitation to stroll down memory lane with me as I cut away and have an emotional blood bath.

Before I get started, I'd like to make a few comments regarding Judge Kavanaugh. The first comment is that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. He knows that better than anyone. The second is that it's far too common for people in power or people who lead a privileged life to abuse their power or their status in life. The last thing I'd like to say is that I hope justice is served in this instance and I hope if Judge Kavanaugh did what he's being accused of doing that he does the honorable thing and helps his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford end her years of torment. If you're guilty, admit it, make a sincere heartfelt apology to Professor Ford without any justifications or excuses (oh, but I was young and drunk...as if that makes anything okay) and step down immediately!

Like so many other women I, too have a story. Mine isn't unique, but it's mine to tell. It's mine to remember and it's mine to deal with in the way that works best for me. When I was just a child I was repeatedly molested. This went on for several years. I could write a dissertation or more on this alone, but I won't for many reasons. Regardless of what my molester tells himself or others, he knows the truth and so do I. He permanently altered my life and helped me form some twisted thought processes and behaviors. For that, I want to thank him! [Please pardon my Maine sarcasm...it's just a lovely little defense mechanism I have.]

My next experience was getting my bare bottom spanked by the good Preacher I Like Young Bare Butts and for what? I didn't memorize some Bible verses! The holy man of God, the good Pastor may have enjoyed the experience immensely, but I didn't. I can definitely say he helped sour my views on organized religion and God in general. For that, I want to thank him! I have no belief in God at all. 

When I was in Junior High School/Middle School I had stayed after school to watch some wrestling matches. It was already dark as I made my way home carefully watching each step I took because the sidewalks were slippery from the snow and ice. You see, I wasn't smart enough to wear boots so the price I paid for being "cool" was that I walked like a drunken sailor on my way home hoping I wouldn't fall.  As I approached my house, I passed a nondescript man bundled up in dark winter clothing walking in the opposite direction. Before I knew it, he had turned around and pushed me into the snowbank and quickly ran his hand up under my dress and grabbed my crotch. I was stunned and the only thing I could do was to yell at him to "get the fuck off me" as I pushed him as hard as I could to get him off me. As Mr. Let's Grab A Young Pussy went running away up the street, I gathered my composure and made my way inside my house. I never said a word to anyone about what had just happened several yards from my front door, but I never went without boots again in the winter. For that, I want to thank him!

The next thing that happened on my chronological list of scars was a year or two later when the guy who I had a mega crush on got a little carried away one evening while we were all high at my house started tickling me. He got a little rough and carried away with what he was doing. It took a few people to pull him off me. Yes, I wanted his attention, but not like that. My close friend and partner in crime, Joyce and I talked about it afterwards because she knew I was really upset. We both came to the conclusion that he hadn't meant to hurt me. We were both high and things just got way out of hand. Maybe that was true...maybe it wasn't, but thank you, Jimmy Crane for teaching me a valuable lesson. 

Next, came Mr. I'll Make You Wicked Hot who decided while having me tied up for some sexual brouhaha that burning my breast with a lit cigarette was a what needed to be done in order to get him off. That little adventure not only caused me emotional trauma, but it caused immense physical pain as well along with a nice well-placed scar now long since healed and faded, but still quite visible to anyone looking at my breasts. Thank goodness, these days that scar is only visible to me as a reminder of what a fool I was at times. For that, I want to thank him.

When I was in my early 30's I became the first female member of a volunteer fire department in Gulf County Florida. One evening during our weekly training session, the assistant chief, Bobby Pliar sent everyone off to do various jobs and had me stay behind to show me how to change the oil in one of the fire trucks and how to man the pump on one of the trucks. As he begun showing me all of these things, he motioned for me to come over to where he was and when I did, he grabbed my breasts. I usually have a quick comeback for everything but I was so stunned and absolutely speechless I just didn't know what to say. All I did was stand there and look at him while he had both my breasts in his hands. It took me a few days to tell my significant other who was also on the fire department. He was furious and was the type of person who believed in revenge, but revenge wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want it broadcasted it because I knew I'd get a"I told you so" from all the people who didn't feel it was a woman's place to be on a fire department. That was small town good ol' boy thinking for you at its finest! After thinking it through, I felt my worth as a fire fighter was much less than his worth because not only was he assistant chief, but he was a EMT as well. I did get an apology from Bobby, but shortly after that I quit the fire depatment. My heart was no longer in it. For that episode, I want to thank him!

During my 40's, I had a few incidents of men who felt because they bought me dinner that I needed to repay the favor with a blow job or a hand job guided rudely and forcefully by them and strongly deferred by me. Nothing says "hell no" quite like someone trying to force you to perform sexual acts in a parked car or in a movie theatre while they lean back and digest their dinner. Needless to say, I never accepted a second date with any of these men. It always puzzled me why anyone would assume sex was repayment for the cash they dropped on dinner. What I really want to know is do I really look like an after dinner mint? For that, I want to thank them.

Now, I stay my ass at home and out of the line of fire! That may be the wrong thing to do, but it works for me. I'm sure many people wonder why I gave up on men and put myself in permanent time-out. All these things combined with a few relationships from hell made me see that a troglodyte's life is for me. Nothing in my cave will ever hurt me except maybe the cave itself...

*reposted from 9/19/2018

DAY 17 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

 Day 17: A song you’d sing a duet with someone on karaoke

"I Hate Myself for Loving You" is a song by American rock band Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, released as the lead single from their sixth studio album, Up Your Alley (1988). The song reached number eight on the US Billboard Hot 100, Jett's third single to reach the top 10, and was her first since "Crimson and Clover" in 1982. The song spent six weeks longer on the charts than did the group's biggest hit, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" (which was on the chart for 20 weeks). On September 10, 2011, the single reached number 39 on the US Rock Digital Songs chart.

Former Rolling Stones guitarist Mick Taylor played the guitar solo in the song. One of the backing vocalists featured on the Up Your Alley album was Louie Merlino, later the founder of the band Beggars & Thieves.

The song received a nomination for Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal at the 31st Grammy Awards.

A cover of The Troggs' song "I Can't Control Myself" was featured as a B-side on the CD single, a non-album track.

The song was adapted for NBC Sunday Night Football, named "Waiting All Day for Sunday Night" with Carrie Underwood (previously Pink and Faith Hill) on vocal and Joan Jett on guitar.

The song was used in the opening scene of Harley Quinn moving on after her breakup with the Joker in Birds of Prey and for the Season 5 trailer for Big Mouth.

Taiwanese amateur composer Pei-Li Sun had extracted the chorus of this song for his solo work for Zhongruan named Zhongruan Rock, written in 1993 and revised on 2008.

* (borrowed from Wikipedia)