The Pathological Liars Club is now accepting applications for membership. Please make all inquiries within and state your qualifications for consideration by the prestigious membership committee. Club meetings will be held at the following location:
The Pathological Liars Clubhouse on every 3rd Monday of the month.*reposted from November 15, 2011
Hi, my name is Robby. I'm 21 years old. I like God, Mariah Carey, Chocolate milk and girls...in that order. I'm a virgin.
ReplyDeleteIf you need more qualifications, I'll send them to you in an email...all twelve inches of them.
Please let me in or I'll shoot you.
Dear Robby,
ReplyDeleteWhen I stop laughing, I'll respond.
Sincerely,
Lindsay Lohan, PLC CEO
Okay, fine. I'm not really 21. I'm 25. I hate Mariah Carey and I don't really have 12 inches, unless you count my collection 12 inch extended play vinyl of WHAM and Human League, and I'm not a virgin because I fucked Lindsay Lohan...so, I guess we already know each other.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, let me in! Oh, yeah, you already did.
Dear Knobby,
ReplyDeleteI've finally composed myself enough to type and to reload my Glock 17.....my sweet, sweet baby gun. It's ashame it ever needs reloading, but you know how it is. I have to keep the varmits at bay here at Green Acres Nursing Home.
Getting back to the matter at hand - your application. I see where you claim to have bumped uglies with Lindsay. She wants to know if you're the one who gave her the STD?
The application committee will get back to you ASAP as soon as a final decision is made regarding your application, but I think I can safely say, "don't hold your breath!" Until then, click your heels together 3 times and repeat after me: "I see no evil, I hear no evil, I speak no evil, I do no evil..."
Fondly,
Mariah Carey, PLC CEO
Dear Ms. Lohan and Carey,
ReplyDeleteMy dog ate my application. What should I do?
Signed,
Bewildered
Oh, did I say Lindsay Lohan? I meant Lindsey Buckingham. Yeah, that's the ticket.
ReplyDeleteI can't click my heels together without those fabulous ruby slippers. I used to own them, but some twat named Debbie Reynolds took them away from me during a drunken orgy back in Vegas. Late 70's, if I remember right. The whore slipped me a "roofie" tapped danced my pants off, had her way with me and left me for dead.
That's why I can't watch "The Wizard of Oz" or "Singing in the Rain" any more. Brings back too many bad memories.
I love you, Mariah. Be kind.
By the way...the anonymous who said the dog ate the application is lying.
ReplyDeleteDear Sobby,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to remind you of the strict no profanity rule we have at PLC. Violators will be heavily duct taped and used for target practice.
Sternly,
Elizabeth "the bitch" Hasselback, PLC CEO
Dear Elizabitch:
ReplyDeleteStop sweet talking me.
Dear Bewildered:
ReplyDelete"You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood"
then get a rubber glove and do some fishin'. Lame excuses will not be tolerated and violators will be heavily duct taped and used for target practice.
Regally yours,
HRH, Queen Ovaltine PLC CEO
Dear Throbby,
ReplyDeleteI'm working on a great fantasy here and you keep switching gears. Pick your poison, man! Is it Lohan or Buckingham or both or none of the above? We have to keep these type of things precisely documented.
Debbie is so proud of those shoes and let's little Princess Leia wear them to her Jenny Craig beatings...oops I mean meetings. I guess listening to Eva Cassidy sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" is out of the question, huh? Oh well!
Hugs and kisses,
Mariah Carey PLC CEO
Liar!
ReplyDeleteI'm back to laughing again. The things adults will do to amuse themselves! And to think 30 years ago it was sex, drugs and rock n roll... now, look at us standing here packing heat and nowhere to go. That's the story of my life.
ReplyDeleteOMG! The comments are vanishing before my very eyes. Did someone throw water on them or did the flying monkeys carry them off again? The little beasts better be careful. I hear flying monkey hunting season opens soon.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm waiting for the application process to slowly grind through the committee:
ReplyDeleteOne time, while I was living high in the mountains with my beloved Grandfather, some old bat (my aunt, actually) stole me and sold me to
a rich family for fun and profit. Oh, the family had money out the wazoo and I was dressed in the finest of designer dirndls and ate paté by the pounds, but I missed my grandfather and hated the old bitch who ran the household.
The only nice part of the whole experience was when I received a snow globe from the father of the little crippled girl who befriended me. I taught her to walk, by the way. I'm special that way.
Anyway, the Grandfather came and rescued me, and now I'm back to herding goats and making my own damned clothes out of burlap and cheese.
Bastard
and you want to beat me, don't you?
[ice cream break]
ReplyDeleteMildred I'm sending you a very special ice cream in the shape of a gun, you spoiled little bitch.
ReplyDeleteyou go eat your ice cream. I will put another load of clothes in the washer and clean up a pile cat barf. and we wonder why this is entertaining. :-(
ReplyDelete(damn, I miss drugs, sex and rock n roll.)
and where are those flying monkeys when you really need them?
ReplyDeleteI have never told a lie or had an extramarital affair!
ReplyDeleteYours
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
(There you go that statement should be good enough to qualify me.)
Chester, you should be real proud referring to yourself as "the molester". Look, enough is enough. I get the point...I'm a passive wimp and a spoiled bitch and several other things I'm sure. Are you happy now?
ReplyDeleteGetting back to the festivities...
Jnuts, I think those flying monkeys need to abduct Chester. Do you think you can make that happen?
Dear JFK,
ReplyDeleteI'd be honored to submit your application to the committee just as soon as you tell us the truth about the lone gunman and the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Cordially,
Norman Jeane Baker, PLC CEO
Since Elspeth and I are on a first name basis, and she owes me a favor (I hushed up a little "incident" that involved she and the Wizard), I believe she'll let me borrow the lil winged rascals for a nominal fee.
ReplyDeleteDo we want them to make him "sleep with the fishes" so to speak? or simply scare him 'til he craps his longjohn's?
______
and how much do you love cleaning up all my screwed up, deleted comments.
Jnuts, I thoroughly enjoyed the mental imagery of both, I think I'll just let you surprise me. And cleaning up your screw ups is a true labor of love.
ReplyDeletethanks, and, uh, did I scare everybody away?
ReplyDeletelet me know which way you want this club to be played out. Your wish is my command. apparently, I need guidance.
otherwise, I'm simply going to lie my ass off for fun.
ReplyDeletewhich reminds me: I had sex with Kylie Minogue once.
(okay, it was really just a photo of her, but I climaxed, so that counts as real, right?
I may be lying.
I fear that humans are hard wired to lie in almost all situations.
ReplyDeleteJnuts, you always scare the faint at heart away! That's your job!
ReplyDeleteLaoch, OMG! I resemble that remark!
OMG! 2011...Certainly seemed like raucous year! lol
ReplyDeleteMy brother did amateur stand-up comedy, and one of his jokes was that he wanted to go to Pathological Liars Anonymous, but he wondered if he could believe them when they told him where and when the meetings were.
ReplyDeleteThat's hilarious!
Delete