When I started blogging again in 2010 after a rather long absence from it, I did it to fulfill a therapy requirement given to me by my "yoyo inspector" (a term of endearment I had given my therapist). One of the tools of therapy she wanted me to implement was to explore my inner self by keeping a daily journal. The topic of each entry could be of my own choosing, but each entry had to end with a gratitude statement. At times, I had to dig deep to find something that could be seen as gratitude on my part, but in doing so, I found an ingenious way to take negativity and gift wrap it with a big colorful bow. Suddenly even the most negative aspects of my life had a glimmer of light cast upon them.
We all have moments when things just seem to click and suddenly make sense. Here are a few things Mildred has learned about her relationship with herself, friends, family and lovers as she has stumbled down a rather bumpy garden path:
1) Someone who loves you will make time to be with you even when their schedule is so hectic and chaotic that they barely have time to take a shower.
2) Someone who loves you will never treat you like you're an afterthought and will always attempt to include you in their plans whenever possible.
3) If you leave a voicemail or send an email or an occasional smoke signal, a considerate person responds. Silence can be interpreted in many ways, but in my book, silence is rude and neglectful.
4) Plain and simple...any relationship does NOT thrive on neglect.
5) Intimacy starts to happen when two people open up and nurture each other.
6) Relationships tend to grow and thrive as long as the relationship is a two way street!
7) Relationships quickly dissipate and die as a result of constant drama, negativity and turmoil.
8) Don't be a door mat! Hanging in there will only make you feel demeaned and used. Your feelings are worth more than that, so find someone who can and will love you as much as you love them.
9) If gift giving occasions always come and go without even a simple acknowledgement (remember cards are relatively inexpensive) from the people who are most important to you, then they aren't deserving of your time, effort and hard-earned money. Why worry about finding "the perfect gift" for someone who always has some lame excuse as to why they can't reciprocate? As we've always been told, it really is the thought that counts! Obviously that jerk didn't get the same memo! Stop wasting your time and money! Go buy yourself a gift for being smart!
10) Everyone has preferences! If someone likes a tall partner and you're short unless you know how to get leg extensions, you should bow out gracefully.
11) Sometimes people stay in relationships with the wrong person for a lifetime because they're afraid of being alone.
12) Being alone is much better than being with the wrong person.
13) Actions speak louder than words and words can be pretty cheap at times.
14) Some people are great at blowing smoke up people's backsides and weaving captivating dreams, but when it comes right down to it, those people are clueless when it comes to anything real and meaningful.
15) People who love us will make our dreams come true...or at least they'll try to!
16) Open your eyes, read the signs and don’t overlook any red flags.
17) Trust your instincts and intuition.
18) If you spend all your time wondering and questioning everything in a relationship, it's time to move on.
19) Always accept people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.
20) A real person will start the race and finish it being the same person.
21) Remember a real person has flaws and imperfections! Perfection might be alluring, but it doesn't exist. A "perfect" person is hiding something!
22) Shutting the door and turning off the light might be a safe thing to do, but it's only going to hurt you in the long run.
23) No one should live in a dark cave!
24) The time to shut the door and turn off the light is when we die. Until then, be brave and be willing to change the lightbulb occasionally.
25) All relationships are a work in progress and communication is one of the key ingredients to having a successful one.
Gratitude statement: Even though I may learn everything in life the hard way, I'm thankful that eventually even I see the light.
So many things factor into forming who we are and how we view the world around us. As a child I was never taught to judge people by their economic status or by the color of their skin. Racial tensions ran high during my younger years, but those tensions just didn't seem to personally touch my life. Sure, it was something I saw on TV and read about in books and magazines, but I didn't have to live it firsthand. I simply grew up not understanding why some people hated others for what seemed to me like no valid reason and to this day, I still have problems understanding racism and bigotry.
Maybe I was fortunate to grow up in a place where those horrible things didn't happen very often or if they did, I never had to witness them. Maybe I was fortunate to be able to turn off listening whenever my grandfather loudly ranted and raved about Catholics and Jews instead of taking it to heart. I always wondered what bug had crawled up his butt when he decided the Beatles were the cause of all the world's problems and no one from New Jersey should be able to drive a car. Okay, maybe he got that one right! [LOL] Archie Bunker had nothing on my grandfather. Put toe to toe, I think my grandfather could have taken Archie down. And maybe most of all, I was fortunate to develop insulation to some things I saw as being immoral, unjust and just plain crazy. I wanted to be free to develop my own brand of crazy and to think for myself.
As a young teenager, I saw an interracial relationship develop within the group of people I hung around. People couldn't be in Billie (Buz as we called him then) and Debbie's presence without noticing that they truly loved each other. Because of them, I discovered love really is blind. The heart doesn't see the color of a person's skin no more than the heart sees the color or length of a person's hair, their height or their weight and the size of their bank account. I secretly rooted for their relationship to not only withstand the normal relationship woes, but to continue to grow and develop into lasting relationship. What I didn't see or understand were the problems they faced behind the scenes. Sure, their friends were able to accept their relationship, but that wasn't the case with all the people in their lives. I don't know the details of how or why they split up, but I witnessed a certain veil of sadness as a result of it. They both moved on, got married and lived a life without each other.
Now, flash forward many years later to a time after Debbie's husband died from complications due to diabetes and Billie's marriage ended around the same time. Several years ago, they both exchanged wedding vows again, but this time it was with each other and they started living a life that was all, but a faded memory from years ago. It just goes to show you that when two people belong together, fate will make it happen. There's a greeting card that has always stuck with me. Each time true love prevails, I think of that card. It simply says: Somehow...Someway...Somewhere...Someday...
Delores from Under The Porch Light created Words For Wednesday. If you'd like to participate, hop over to her blog and check it out!
This week's
prompt were:
essence, flippant, mercury,
speeding, nonchalant, shadowed
or
"life smells like coffee
and baby poop, fresh cut grass and gasoline"
What is life?
Life looks like noodles and
cesspools, wild flowers and trampolines.
Life sounds like landslides
and toilets, baby coos and tambourines.
Life smells like coffee and
baby poop, fresh cut grass and gasoline.
Life tastes like water and bourbon,
vegetables and jelly beans.
Life feels like laughter and
crying, zip lining and quarantine.
But actually life is just another
unforeseen guillotine!
Evergreen, never seen
Fresh cut grass and
gasoline…
merijane muses is written by a "salty Maine chick" and encompasses her "musings on life's joys, heartbreaks & curveballs." Her latest post, Forgive Yourself, Mama covers motherhood's trials and tribulations. Merijane's outlook on life and subject matter is refreshingly honest and aimed at things most of us can relate to in our own lives.
The following is the comment I left in response to her heartfelt post and after rereading it, I realized that my words to her is my own philosophy about life summed up in one short paragraph:
Too many of us never learn how to forgive ourselves for anything. It's as though we never hold ourselves to the same standards we have for everyone else. We don't expect perfection from anyone but the person staring back at us in the mirror. It's really sad we do that to ourselves...life would be so much easier and way more pleasant if we just exhaled and relaxed. It's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from the mistakes we make. What I've found in life is that most things can be fixed with love and for everything else there's duck tape!
They say hindsight is 20/20, but I have to admit I often wonder who "they" are and why aren't "they" out actively trying to educate dumb asses like me. "They" seem to be the ones that always jump in first to tell me "I told you so" whenever I make a huge boo-boo even when "they" never really gave me any warnings in the first place. I can't say that my mother telling me things like "it's as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor man" are the lessons in love I needed as a young girl. What I needed most was to be told I was beautiful, intelligent and capable to doing anything I wanted to do.
At the ripe old age of 58 I had an epiphany the other day. I've spent my whole live thinking I actually preferred 'bad boys" to the nice guys of the world. I thought living dangerously and on the edge chasing after men with commitment issues and little respect or regard for any female was what got and kept my juices flowing. Yes, I've questioned my preferences many times and have wondered why I've always equated nice guys as being boring. My choices throughout life have deeply frustrated me because none of them have led to lasting happiness or a stable relationship. So at 58, after being totally celibate and without any sort of relationship with a man for 9 years I've come to a rather startling conclusion. I've always joking told people that sex causes brain damage. Okay, maybe it wasn't totally a joke because it seems when two people throw sex into a relationship all clarity and common sense leaps out the window...or at least it does in my case. Nine years ago I finally had enough of the rollercoaster ride and put myself in time out.
When the light bulb finally turned on, it made the situation look entirely different to me. I never really connected the dots so I could look at a complete picture. Now, looking back I can say that my twisted view of what intimate relationships should be like and the kind of man in which I could enjoy lasting happiness with makes total sense to me. I've spent my entire life chasing after anything and everything that would validate my powerful sense of not being worthy of love and happiness. It's was always easy for me to believe I didn't deserve a good life and finding people willing and able to prove that point was always a very easy thing to do. Many people might wonder why anyone would feel unworthy of love and happiness or why anyone would spend a lifetime doing anything that resembles a dog chasing its tail. It's a complicated issue that dates back as far as I can remember. For me, maybe it would have been more evident and easier to see if my "break" happened later in life. For me, that destructive feeling was incorporated into my being at a very young age. It's just the way it was. It's just who I grew up being. It's not something I ever questioned because I grew up with the attitude "if the people who love me will hurt me then what's the rest of the world going to do to me?" With that attitude it's easy to see why I always felt like I was continually swimming upstream against the current.
I grew up with little self worth. I held all my pain very close and rarely showed it to anyone. When I did, it was just a glimpse. I grew up with no expectations of the future or visions of that house with a white picket fence. I grew up feeling that fleeting mind blowing sex was a good trade off for a stable life with someone who loved me. I never knew anyone could have both, so I stuck with the bad boys who seemed more than happy to scratch my insatiable itch. I grew up numbing my pain with drugs and thinking promiscuity was okay. Many times I would say, 'it's a hard job and someone has to do it." It's sad that I cared so little for myself, but what's sadder is that I believed no one else cared what happened to me either. The giving of myself to another person never held the same value to me as it did to others. I didn't feel anything about me was really worth anyone's time or effort, so for me, intimacy was a twisted maze in which I became deliriously lost.
I know now nice guys aren't boring. Nice guys are just that and being nice isn't the kiss of death everyone always claimed it was. The problem is that at 58 I'm way behind the curve and I don't know if I'm really interested in jumping back in the pond in search of the right frog to kiss. I'm definitely not afraid of making mistakes because I've spent a lifetime being well-acquainted with doing just that. I can't say exactly what the problem is...maybe just fear of the unknown or maybe it's as simple as I've run out of steam. I can say this...I am open to the possibilities if one ever presents itself to me, but I doubt I'll ever actively go out looking for love. Being alone isn't the worst thing in life and it's much easier to deal with than always being with the wrong person in a relationship filled with nothing, but fruitless drama.
Doing the right thing is rarely an easy feat. Now multiply the difficulty factor exponentially when the person trying to accomplish doing the right thing is a scared, confused teenager faced with a life altering decision. When I first found out my daughter-in-law had given birth when she was only fifteen years old, I truly admired her for having the courage to put her child up for adoption. That decision is never an easy one to make and I know she's always wondered whether or not she did the right thing. Knowing she had a child out there somewhere has always eaten at her. With each birthday, she remembered the beautiful moment that had touched her life and with each birthday she reiterated a promise she had made to both herself and her baby. They say time heals all wounds, but in her case all time seemed to do was to widen the empty spot in her heart she tried desperately to conceal from people. Each time she passed a little girl roughly her daughter's age she would wonder if she was looking at the bundle of joy she once held.
Many years later she met and married my son. As my daughter-in-law grew older and attempted to start a family with my son, what she had feared for so long seemed to come true. Getting pregnant a second time wasn't an easy task. They tried numerous fertility treatments until their funds ran out. Then it happened! She beamed as she told everyone that she and my son were pregnant. She finally felt she could exhale and look towards the future once again. She really hadn't been damned! Shortly after finding out she was pregnant, she had an ultrasound done which revealed an ectopic pregnancy, a dangerous complication that can be life-threatening for the mother. She was immediately admitted to the hospital where the procedure to end the pregnancy was performed. Not only was the pregnancy terminated, but she had to have one of her fallopian tubes removed as well. Needless to say, my heart ached for both her and my son. With a heavy heart, they moved forward not knowing what the future had in store for them.
About a year after the ectopic pregnancy more tragedy struck when my daughter-in-law lost her mother to a sudden unforeseen illness. It seemed her whole world was crashing in around her and she fell into a deep despair not knowing where to turn or who to turn towards because she didn't know who she would lose next. It had been three years earlier when she lost her father to a long illness that slowly erased the "larger than life" man he was always seen as being. Both her parents were considered young by today's standards where it's not uncommon for people to live well into their 90's. Long terminal illnesses are hard on a family because they have to watch a once vibrant loved one wither away, but unlike a sudden death, a long illness does allow a family time to say good-bye and to accept an end will eventually come. For my daughter-in-law being a nurse has been such a blessing in many ways, but at times especially when accepting that some things are out of her control and nothing can be done to change the outcome being a nurse has been a curse. Now parentless, her desire to find her daughter grew stronger. She set the ball in motion not knowing what was awaiting her at the end of her journey. As she put one foot in front of the other pushing herself towards finding out what fate had in store for her, the overpowering need to know steered her every move.
Not many people can truly validate a decision like the one she made when she was fifteen. Not many people can actually see that they did the right thing. Most people spend a lifetime hoping and wanting, but most people never know for sure. Most people spend that lifetime wondering and always having an empty spot in their heart. This isn't the case for my daughter-in-law. Not only did she find her daughter, but her daughter wanted to find her as well. Their reunion has been one in which a real life fairytale can be written. Not only have they reunited, but they are presently working towards building a good relationship. As they get to know each other, both of them are amazed at how many things they have in common and how many personality traits they share. My daughter-in-law now knows that she did the right thing many years ago because the life her daughter grew up having is a life she would have never been able to give her. She is grateful to the people who became her daughter's mother and father. They adopted, loved and raised a baby girl who grew into being a truly beautiful woman both inside and out. They nurtured and taught her how to be a strong, determined woman who can and will do great things with her life. My daughter-in-law's aim isn't to try to take anyone's place, but to merely have a place, however small in her daughter's life. Her recent journey and the place that she has found in her daughter's life is one that has filled her heart with a much needed joy...a joy she has waited 24 years to have. Since all good fairytales end the same way, I'll end this one with a heartfelt "and they lived happily ever after..."
Every now and then you should shake things up and go for the gusto with a little humor. The following ad is one I was thinking about posting on an online dating site. Match.com claims it's the number one destination for online dating with more dates, more relationships, & more marriages than any other dating or personals site. eHarmony wants its users to beat the odds and bet on love because their bold, scientific approach to matching means more quality dates with deeply compatible singles that truly understand you. Which site do you think would yield a match right for me?
Hideous-looking, cynical, judgmental mature SWF with chronic bitch syndrome seeks emotionally needy man with money for LTR. Age unimportant. Disgusting habits, arrest record, deviant behavior and psychiatric diagnosis a plus. Physical characteristics, location and marital status not important. Personality and intelligence optional. Please respond with financial statement and picture of house.
I've drifted throughout life in search of a certain touch, an unmistakable look of acceptance and an intuitive knowing of what comes next. The only thing I've heard as I’ve waited for my inner voice to tell me my search is over are the repetitious sounds of silence. My search has taken me far off course and into unchartered waters more times than I care to admit. Many times, it was a sink or swim situation and although I always managed to stay afloat, in the absence of never quite finding the love I wanted or needed, what I discovered was equally as valuable as love itself...I found what love isn’t.
Love is not a chemical reaction…an explosion of hormones. It’s not a crush, infatuation, lust or anything superficial and temporary. Love is a state of being when two minds join and co-exist as one, yet are miraculously are totally independent of each other at the same time. It has a quiet confidence and a reassuring, unmistakable strength. Love is not forced… it just is. It happens when and if the time is right and only then. Love isn’t something you ever have to question because if you have to question it, it isn’t love. When love happens, it’s there whether you’re both in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love endures mistakes, pain and flaws both physical and emotional. Love transcends distance and time. Love perpetually strives to create a better place, a more perfect "us", an eternal flame that will flicker even in the wildest of storms to guide you home where your heart belongs.
These words may echo from an empty sadness, yet I do not feel empty or sad. Yes, I am alone, but I do not fear the path I walk alone. I walk with hope as my companion . I choose to believe I will finally feel the love I know I deserve before I die. Until then I walk alone and will continue to love myself until someone else shares that love with me.
Although I've kept Mildred Ratched Memoirs alive long after stopping my visits to the yoyo inspector, somewhere along the way I stopped doing my gratitude statements. I have to be honest and admit that I miss them. They made me end each blog post on a positive note. When a person is struggling with an emotional upheaval or maybe just tying up some loose ends that have been dangling for far too long having to find things to be grateful about isn't always an easy task. I remember I ended one post with a gratitude statement about being grateful I didn't have hemorrhoids. That one made my therapist laugh.
Reposted and edited from CAVE LIFE 101 (February 22, 2010)
People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV for my bedroom. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done. I simply didn't care that I was a cave dweller.
Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun". Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!
I think it has to do with having an addictive personality and being self-destructive. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life even the small ones. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times, but I never finish reading the book. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned beach bunny. Actually, that's probably a good thing!
Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse and being self-destructive. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.
I read my words now and ask myself, "What’s changed?" and I have to admit that I'm still a troglodyte and the rut I was in has widened over time. I really don't know where or how to begin to stop this abyss.
Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the self awareness I possess and hope that it eventually kick starts some motivation to change my life while I still can.
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| My slice of life! |
Monday I had a child support court date. Although this saga has been an ongoing one for almost 3 decades, fortunately, I haven't had to attend a court date in many, many years. You see, when my children were young their father felt he had no financial or moral obligation to them after we got divorced. Many times I tried to reason with him by telling him any unpaid child support wasn't a debt that simply vanished like the proverbial rabbit in the magician's hat and I also tried countless times to encourage him to have a relationship with his children. Both pleas fell on deaf ears! Due solely to his bad choices he learned the hard way and now he pays back child support on a debt that was at one time over $70,000. The current balance is just over $14,000, so I'm sure he finally sees the light of day, but the real damage he did goes far deeper than what can be seen in dollars and cents. The real damage can be measured by his two sons (both in their 30's) who refer to him not as their father, but as "the sperm donor".
This snippet wasn't intended to be about him or the debt he incurred during his deadbeat era, but rather about the large cesspool in which many divorced parents drown...the child support system. I was truly amazed at how unprepared the hearing officer was regarding the information in each case presented. The judge was clearly annoyed at her, but bureaucracy seems to always have so much red tape that prevents one hand from ever knowing what the other is doing. Nothing runs smoothly or quickly and it's the children who ultimately suffer!
As I left the courtroom, I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing that my days struggling to stay afloat in that system were all, but over. My children are grown and no longer have to hear me tell them that delayed gratification builds character each time they had to wait to get something they wanted. I worked hard throughout their childhood and provided for all their needs. It was their wants that sometimes suffered due to lack of funds, but I'm sure they're stronger, more understanding men for having gone through that.
As I watched my ex walk across the parking lot I tried to remember why I ever loved him and what I ever saw in him. All I saw now as I took one last look at him was a cold, bitter middle-aged man and truthfully, what I saw didn't appeal to me on any level. As I sat there and reveled in my indifference, all of a sudden it made sense to me why it felt good to tell the judge I had no objection to him having his driver's license reinstated. Harboring no ill will or resentment towards him gave me a sudden rush of good feelings, but not for him...they were for me. I was proud of myself for rising above and moving forward. It felt so liberating knowing I really was on the other side looking back and not the over way around.
