A LIFE WITHOUT WHITE PICKET FENCES

They say hindsight is 20/20, but I have to admit I often wonder who "they" are and why aren't "they" out actively trying to educate dumb asses like me.  "They" seem to be the ones that always jump in first to tell me "I told you so"  whenever I make a huge boo-boo even when "they" never really gave me any warnings in the first place. I can't say that my mother telling me things like "it's as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor man" are the lessons in love I needed as a young girl.  What I needed most was to be told I was beautiful, intelligent and capable to doing anything I wanted to do. 

At the ripe old age of 58 I had an epiphany the other day.  I've spent my whole live thinking I actually preferred 'bad boys" to the nice guys of the world.  I thought living dangerously and on the edge chasing after men with commitment issues and little respect or regard for any female was what got and kept my juices flowing.  Yes, I've questioned my preferences many times and have wondered why I've always equated nice guys as being boring.  My choices throughout life have deeply frustrated me because none of them have led to lasting happiness or a stable relationship.  So at 58, after being totally celibate and without any sort of relationship with a man for 9 years I've come to a rather startling conclusion.  I've always joking told people that sex causes brain damage.  Okay, maybe it wasn't totally a joke because it seems when two people throw sex into a relationship all clarity and common sense leaps out the window...or at least it does in my case.  Nine years ago I finally had enough of the rollercoaster ride and put myself in time out. 

When the light bulb finally turned on, it made the situation look entirely different to me.  I never really connected the dots so I could look at a complete picture.  Now, looking back I can say that my twisted view of what intimate relationships should be like and the kind of man in which I could enjoy lasting happiness with makes total sense to me.  I've spent my entire life chasing after anything and everything that would validate my powerful sense of not being worthy of love and happiness.  It's was always easy for me to believe I didn't deserve a good life and finding people willing and able to prove that point was always a very easy thing to do.  Many people might wonder why anyone would feel unworthy of love and happiness or why anyone would spend a lifetime doing anything that resembles a dog chasing its tail.  It's a complicated issue that dates back as far as I can remember.  For me, maybe it would have been more evident and easier to see if my "break" happened later in life.  For me, that destructive feeling was incorporated into my being at a very young age.  It's just the way it was.  It's just who I grew up being. It's not something I ever questioned because I grew up with the attitude "if the people who love me will hurt me then what's the rest of the world going to do to me?"  With that attitude it's easy to see why I always felt like I was continually swimming upstream against the current. 

I grew up with little self worth.  I held all my pain very close and rarely showed it to anyone.  When I did, it was just a glimpse.  I grew up with no expectations of the future or visions of that house with a white picket fence.  I grew up feeling that fleeting mind blowing sex was a good trade off for a stable life with someone who loved me.  I never knew anyone could have both, so I stuck with the bad boys who seemed more than happy to scratch my insatiable itch. I grew up numbing my pain with drugs and thinking promiscuity was okay. Many times I would say, 'it's a hard job and someone has to do it."  It's sad that I cared so little for myself, but what's sadder is that I believed no one else cared what happened to me either. The giving of myself to another person never held the same value to me as it did to others.  I didn't feel anything about me was really worth anyone's time or effort, so for me, intimacy was a twisted maze in which I became deliriously lost.  

I know now nice guys aren't boring.  Nice guys are just that and being nice isn't the kiss of death everyone always claimed it was.  The problem is that at 58 I'm way behind the curve and I don't know if I'm really interested in jumping back in the pond in search of the right frog to kiss.  I'm definitely not afraid of making mistakes because I've spent a lifetime being well-acquainted with doing just that.  I can't say exactly what the problem is...maybe just fear of the unknown or maybe it's as simple as I've run out of steam.  I can say this...I am open to the possibilities if one ever presents itself to me, but I doubt I'll ever actively go out looking for love.   Being alone isn't the worst thing in life and it's much easier to deal with than always being with the wrong person in a relationship filled with nothing, but fruitless drama. 

MY SOUNDS OF SILENCE

I've drifted throughout life in search of a certain touch, an unmistakable look of acceptance and an intuitive knowing of what comes next. The only thing I've heard as I’ve waited for my inner voice to tell me my search is over are the repetitious sounds of silence.  My search has taken me far off course and into unchartered waters more times than I care to admit.  Many times, it was a sink or swim situation and although I always managed to stay afloat, in the absence of never quite finding the love I wanted or needed, what I discovered was equally as valuable as love itself...I found what love isn’t. 
 

Love is not a chemical reaction…an explosion of hormones. It’s not a crush, infatuation, lust or anything superficial and temporary. Love is a state of being when two minds join and co-exist as one, yet are miraculously are totally independent of each other at the same time. It has a quiet confidence and a reassuring, unmistakable strength. Love is not forced… it just is. It happens when and if the time is right and only then. Love isn’t something you ever have to question because if you have to question it, it isn’t love. When love happens, it’s there whether you’re both in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love endures mistakes, pain and flaws both physical and emotional. Love transcends distance and time. Love perpetually strives to create a better place, a more perfect "us", an eternal flame that will flicker even in the wildest of storms to guide you home where your heart belongs. 

These words may echo from an empty sadness, yet I do not feel empty or sad.  Yes, I am alone, but I do not fear the path I walk alone.  I walk with hope as my companion .  I choose to believe I will finally feel the love I know I deserve before I die.  Until then I walk alone and will continue to love myself until someone else shares that love with me.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED

Yes, a funny thing did happened to me on my way to old age! I got distracted, sidetracked and ended up poked away in some hermitage on The Redneck Riviera. How the hell did that happen? Now, many years later here I am in a spot I never thought I'd be. I really didn't think at this stage of my life I'd be alone. Lately, I have laughed at myself for being such a loser. Here I sit typing away about love and life when obviously whatever formula I had carefully devised for successful relationships hasn't worked.

My head is full of stupid idealistic notions and all those notions have accomplished is to keep me isolated and alone. I think my plan royally backfired! I wish some of the married people out here would tell me the secret of success, longevity and of finding the right match for myself and where to search. I know people say as long as you're hunting you won't find what you're hunting for. Maybe so, but what about the last five years I haven't been hunting? Am I so defective and grotesque that the thought of being with me makes men run for cover? Does my independence work against me by causing any potential mate to feel unwanted or unneeded? Am I demanding? Not really! Actually, I'm low maintenance and I think this might be something that has worked against me also. 

You see, I had this foolish notion that the best things in life are free and love needn't be an expensive adventure. After all, they say money doesn't buy love. Also, I’ve never been a materialistic person. "Stuff" just doesn't impress me. I was always more impressed by what was inside a person than by what they owned. I think this is another flaw in my outlook on life. Am I a vain person? No, not at all! In fact, people look at me as a diamond in the rough. I guess I should have spent countless hours at the gym and thousands of dollars on make-up and saved my pennies to buy a pair of implants. Somehow, when I looked in the mirror over the years, I never saw a person who needed make-up and the hard physical work I did all my life seemed to keep me in pretty good shape. 

As for the implants... well 40C seems ample enough for me and since I never had a career as an exotic dancer, I never felt the need to enhance what mother nature already gave me. So what's wrong with me? And how do I fix it? Or do I just let it be and keep right on believing the right person is going to love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am when that has never happened? What are the odds at this point that the remainder of my life will be spent alone? I think statistics are starting to work against me here! Being a few standard deviations from the norm makes me at high risk to be an old maid. It's off to the nunnery for Mildred! The person I have deemed as being "okay" must not be. I wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes and then I'd know what to fix. 

It's hilarious that just recently I thought the metamorphosis was complete because I had emerged from a difficult time in one piece. Now, I’m beginning to think the metamorphosis has just begun and the road ahead of me is unclear! It sounds to me like I'm a prime candidate for a mid-life crisis! Now, all I need to do is find a suitable one...one worth the time and effort of doing. Knowing me as I do, I have no problem believing something will come my way and pique my interest...and probably be a total disaster (my specialty)! So let the fun begin! 

Gratitude statement: I actually am grateful to have lived this long to be faced with what to do with the rest of my life. 

THE 4AM HEARTBURN

I drifted off for a short while and when I awoke I immediately started thinking about love. Am I in a relationship? NO! Do I want to be in a relationship? Not really! These thoughts running through my mind were quizzical ones as I taxed my memory trying to see if I could actually remember what being in love felt like. I could vaguely remember a giddy, excited sensation. I could remember a smile, a look, a touch, but then so many bad things came flooding back smothering the "almost" memory I was having. I finally had to admit to myself that I really doubt I have ever felt love and if I did, that feeling was, but a fleeting glimpse.

At this point in my life, if "it" hasn't found me, I doubt it will. And so what? Who cares? I wish someone would tell me that I'm not missing much and that there are worse things in life than being alone....like being with the wrong person (wait a minute, that's my line I say to everyone!) So here I am at almost 4am typing away about a topic that frustrates the hell out of me. Would finding love and being in love magically transform me? (Yeah, right!) Would it make me sleep? (Great sex might!) Would I feel at one with the world? With the universe? Om! nam-myoho-renge-kyo, nam-myoho-renge-kyo, nam-myoho-renge-kyo (faster and faster until life is just a blur and I fade into the cosmos)!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for the actual heartburn I have right now because for that I can take a couple of Tums.

THE ART OF KITTEN-FISHING

Recently, I’ve been innocently challenged to think about my current relationship status. The million-dollar question seemed to be: How could Red Kitten spend Valentine’s Day flowerless or "uncandied"? Was it just a rude oversight on someone’s part or perhaps a harmless stroke of bad luck that the deliveries were never made? Or could the rumor be true? Is Red Kitten really just a cave-dwelling feline who only comes out periodically to hunt, to feed and to occasionally mate?

Over the years (ten to be exact) that I have been single, many people have inquired why I am alone. Often times, the question almost seemed like the person was implying that being alone meant that I must be defective in some way. Yes, I have 10 toes, 1 head and 2 arms! I hold down a full time job and am self-sufficient in every way. Okay, I have to confess it’s hard to get to my age without having some baggage or defects, but I do try to keep my defects to a minimum and small enough to fit in an overnight size bag inside of one of those bulky steamer size captain’s trunks or huge cargo crates.

I must admit I am abnormally normal so that binds me to living a life filled with doing my own thing whatever that thing may be. I am proud to say that there is no one I pine away for or look at as "the one that got away." In fact, the truth is simple and fairly obvious as I examine my past. If any of my potential love interest slipped away empty-handed, they must have done so because they were oblivious to the fact of what a great catch they tossed back into the pond. [LOL] Because my heart is void of any emotional entanglements at this time, that might lead a person to wonder if free spirits ever miss being in love and what type of expectations they have for the future.

First, I would like to say that I learned long ago that being alone is MUCH better than being with the wrong person. I would also like to say that I see no point in dating just for the sake of dating. Quite frankly, it’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone who I’d like to get to know better, but I suppose if I did meet someone who piqued my interest I would allow my curiosity to be more than superficially satisfied. I’m not opposed to emotional entanglements, I simply am not actively seeking one right now. Perhaps, what needs to happen is "it" needs to find me and convince me that life is too short to put things on hold for long periods of time. Afterall, when is the right time for love? It isn’t something that can be planned for or done in an orderly way. Nothing about falling in love is logical…at best, it’s chaotic and quite overwhelmingly intense.

I suppose some people might consider me a picky person because I haven’t met anyone who has tickled my fancy lately or because I do have certain preferences when it comes to which lures actually attract me. When one goes fishing, it’s crucial to use the proper bait if you expect to catch a fish. To attract a Red Kitten fish, a skilled fisherman would use the following things as bait:

1.Wit/Intelligence
2.Creativity/Originality
3.Honesty/Openness


The mystery of my solo status is one that can be easily solved. What really keeps me from throwing myself into the relationship arena? At this time in my life, I am the caregiver to my two elderly parents. My mother suffers from dementia, which has stripped away her desire to participate in the everyday activities of life. She no longer sees the need to do anything, but sit in a chair all day and stare at the floor. My stepfather is a dialysis patient with several other serious health problems. Neither can drive anymore and are completely dependent upon me for most of their basic needs. After working all day, it seems there is little time for anything else and my lovelife is at the bottom of the list. So if being single and not dating means I’m defective in some way then I must confess that yes, I am defective and will continue to stay defective until I feel I have the time and energy to devote myself to another human being besides my family.

Comments:


₪Μy§TẲfiЄĐ₪
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 2:42 AM 
Hello Karen
I’ve only then..just finished sharpening my fishing hooks 
My step dad has dementia and…just reading how you’re looking after
both of your parents…I have total admiration for you
I don’t know how many people would realise how much work that
would be. I know that it would be more than a full time job!
This is a very good entry Karen
I like the way you write and…your honesty
and…the way you come to my space to comment.. ok?
I promise that, I’ll even put my fishing rod away 🙂
I hope you’re having a good weekend
Garry xo


Reeking Havoc's Lair
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 8:02 AM 
Yeah, Worrying about it or rushing around in search mode tends to lock it into place, that’s what I learned from experience.Now that I’m happily married, I can’t make any plans to tickle your fancy, but if you’d post a picture of it I could use my imagination…

J W
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 12:25 PM
You defective!! Hardly. Perhaps one of the more open and grounded persons I’ve had the good pleasure to meet on this Spaces thing. I’d gladly give you a standing ovation if you could see or hear it. All good things come to those who wait….donkey crap! You aren’t waiting for anything. Truth be told, you are doing exactly what most people fear most….you are living one day at a time with responsibilities and quiet comfort in doing what comes natural to you. Frankly, I can’t see you just settling for anything mundane or repetitive. Your parents raised a responsible daughter indeed. A tip of the hat to you lady…..J.W.L.

Stephen
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 1:09 PM
Since you’re a caregiver that puts certain strains on you and your social life and that certainly plays a roll in getting out and doing your thing to mean anyone. I admire you for that you’re putting family first, but that doesn’t help you meet anyone as par for the course. I would try to be open as possible to dating someone and they will come along sooner or later. Obviously you’re loving and understanding so those are two great qualities that you have on your side. Just don’t get someone whom you have to take care of as well as everyone else. I wish you hope in meeting someone to date. You’re human and you have needs that aren’t being met currently, for that to hell what everyone else thinks – you’re you and that’s that.
I hope you have a fantastic weekend!!! 🙂


NATIVE
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 3:21 PM 
You are perfectly fine to me, and I agree with John whole-heartedly. What is a relationship status anyway? Two people conjoined at the hip, making the wanderings more meaningful, or is it substantially more? Daring to hold on to such a rare thing as compatibility and concern. When that very lucky man stands upon your thresh hold and asks for your hand take that leap and be the happiest and most beautiful person we already know you are. You aren’t defective, either. Peace my friend.~DD

EbonyWyvernDragon
FEBRUARY 16, 2008 AT 4:21 PM
Hello Lady – I couldn’t agree with you more – being alone is FAR preferable to being in a bad relationship! I’ll never quite understand why it took me so long to learn that but……… i guess some of us are just slower than others!

I did not realize you had moved to the "caregiver" stage of the relationship with your parents – that is an extremely hard role to fulfill – especially working full time and having parents who need so much care…….. it is draining and exhausting. I completely admire the dedication you have to your family. They raised a wonderful daughter!

Remember, though, that in order to care for them, you need to care for yourself first. There are organizations (like local churches) who can arrange for a responsible adult to come care for your parents while you take a respite.

Please take care!

MotherHenDragon


Hanging Judge
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 1:39 AM
Greetings:
I love catfishing. The fillets when breaded and lightly deep-fried are terrrific.
My Courtroom is filling up with the guilty! 2 new trials are scheduled!!

Bittersweet on-the-hill.
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 10:31 AM
Hello Red Kitten,
This was a wonderfully written piece. Yes, elderly parents are a full time commitment and I’m happy that you have embraced the task. Nothing easy about it but when all is said and done, you will have no regrets. We were lucky with my Dad, and not so lucky with Mom. A tortuous, harrowing end – something she didn’t deserve. But we know life was never meant to be easy. At least that’s the refrain I say to myself. The one consolation…..you are not doing it in sub zero weather. Today continues with bone chilling wind and most of the week, rain, sleet and snow. February…..well I hate it!

The pup, little Sydney is doing well. Within a few days she was back to her precocious self. Our only recourse is an electric fence. So Wednesday hey will fence in 2 or 3 acres so she has the space to run and let all this energy out. I’m sure in time she\’ll slow down but if she has a chance of making it, I better invest in this fence. At the moment she resting in front of the woodstove after being outside the past two hours.

I’m satisfying myself by going through seed and flower catalogues. It’s the only way us northerners can make it through February. You take care lady. Bittersweet

Bittersweet on-the-hill.
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 11:17 AM
Karen,
I just had to come back. I was reading some of your other entries and then came upon your Super Bowl entry! So the Giants had no chance!!!! And Eli would have to wait another year or so before his opportunity for greatness???? Bonebreaking……bonebreaking indeed. Wasn’t the Giants offensive and defensive line just great? Laughing with you. I\’ve been a Giants fan since the years of Y.A. Tittle. I know pain and heartache. Go back and read my entry on the Super Bowl. It was a great game…..unexpected…..and great. Bittersweet


Jacqueline M
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 12:08 PM 
I’m very glad I stumbled across your site this morning during my networking hours. In your honor for having what it takes to be the caretaker to your mother and step father. I heard a long time ago that child parent their parents as they were parented and for sure my mother does not or would not want me in that role. my father has passed and my mother is 84 and "just waiting" as she said on our last phone call. One of maybe two times a year we say four minutes worth of words to each other.

I love your thinking about this subject and though it\’s other things that keep me busy these days I know from past experience that when someone comes along that stirs me I\’d find the time but until then I have enough to fill my life with. great words here. LJ


JaAG
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 12:48 PM 
Sounds like someone could use a good pirate joke. What do you get when you cross a zucchini and a pirate?
A squashbuckler! Argghh!
Keep smiling.


Kenneth
FEBRUARY 17, 2008 AT 3:05 PM 
The third paragraph jumped out at me and hit me square between the eyes, the final chapter hit me in the heart.
I posses only one type of bait that you mention to catch a Red Kitten fish.
However, when I fished for women (years ago) a big fat juicy worm usually done the trick.


Jade
FEBRUARY 19, 2008 AT 10:36 AM 
wow, a dragon told me to visit you..and I can see why. I’ll be back later.

Red
FEBRUARY 20, 2008 AT 2:36 AM
Jade, dragons are wise creatures…always listen to them! Thanks for dropping by and I look forward to your next visit.

Kenny, So which was more powerful..the heart or the mind?

Gandalfe, thanks for the joke!

Lady J talks, Thanks for commenting and I do hope you come stumbling back again soon.

Bittersweet, sigh! I’m glad to hear your "baby" is doing better.

Lood, you stay busier than anyone I know. I think you may need to expand and get another judge!

EbonyDragon, I’m only doing what I feel is right. They always were there for me and now it’s my turn to be there for them.

Double D, all this support is so wonderful. You guys really made me blush.

Stephen, now if I can find someone as wonderful as you then my situation with being a caregiver wouldn’t be something the person would mind at all…they would understand and support me…but in the real world there’s not many that would take on the kind of responsibility.

JWL, you’re making me get a swelled head. You don’t want that to happen…I might post something deep and meaningful then! LOL

Havoc, IF I ever find my fancy I’ll post a picture but I’m sure MSN will slap my hand and we wouldn’t want that to happen.

Garry, what do you have for bait over there? Anything I like?