Quarantined Day #4

Somehow I get the feeling that I'll be waiting a little bit longer than 4 or 5 days to get my results back and then from what I've been hearing on the news not all tests are reliable. Just another thing that isn't Trump's fault, of course! He does no wrong! All I know is that I feel fine today and I'll take it one day at a time if I have to. I'm cool with that. So how are all of  you coping with this shit show?

Last night I did a grocery order (note to self - don't make a grocery order again while you're stoned.) Naturally, they were still out of a lot of stuff, but I had to opt to have it delivered since still I'm quarantined.  I think I'm beginning to know what a leper felt like.

I went outside today with good intentions of taking down the two small trees that need to come down so my pear tree will grow fully in all directions. Right now it leans one way because it get practically no sun in one direction. Besides being lop-sided it also needs a partridge because it's a pear tree. You don't know how many stores I've been in around Christmas thinking I'd find a partridge...just one partridge....a small partridge, so I can put it in my pear tree, but no! So tell me why there's a dumb Christmas song about a partridge in a pear tree if you can't find a partridge anywhere at Christmastime? You can find doves. You can find swans. You can find ducks. You can find cardinals. You can find owls. You can find any other kind of bird at Christmas, but you can't find one of the birds mentioned in the 12 days of Christmas. And when I ask a sales rep for a partridge they look at me like I'm asking her to perform a sex act with a French hen. Oh la la!

So instead of taking down two small trees, I took a picture of a tree about 50 feet away from where I was standing.  I'm easily distracted, aren't I? Just think about all the homes that this one tree provides. It's like Avatar without big blue creatures running around unless they run around at night. Hey, maybe that's what my dogs bark at and it's not at the squirrels after all. This tree is in Mad Mad Martha and her Digging Dog, Digger's yard next-door to me...shhhhhhhhh don't tell her I took the picture or she might hex me and make my pear tree grow funny or something :) Whoops, I guess that already happened. I need to learn to behave myself...maybe in my next lifetime??

The other picture is of my finger because it hurts and I really need someone to say "oh, poor baby"... no really, it's been swollen for days. Both joints are sore and when I put the coffee table together yesterday I said lots of bad language. Autoimmune disorders are hard. Especially ones that doctors leave undiagnosed. Oh well! I guess it could be worse. Gripping the screwdriver was a challenge, but I mastered the challenge because I'm a tough Maine woman! We're made of hardy stock.

I made my mother laugh when I purposely said things her father/ my grandfather used to say while I assembled the coffee table like..."you, son of a whore." That was always one of his favorite sayings and believe it or not when you cuss at a stuck wood screw that won't go in, I don't know what it is about it, but all of a sudden it breaks free and the screw screws right in after it's properly cussed at a few times. Okay, that's my lesson on fixing stuff today. Just remember, Mildred says if you're having a difficult time with something, a little colorful language will go a long way to remedy the situation.

Quarantined Day #3

Old hippie with a bandana

This is a picture of me taking a break from doing some yardwork earlier today when Martha presented me with a gorgeous bee she had made on her Cricut machine. I know you probably can't see all the different layers in it, but it has several. She made it for me so I can be Queen Bee while I'm quarantined. Doesn't she know I'm Queen Bee everyday... 365 days of each year? She's only known me since she was four years old! And let's see, we're how old now? What's up with that? Do you think I should break it to her now? Gently due to our advanced age? Or should I deliver it with a good noogie on top of the head? Personally, I'm leaning towards the noogie. All this coronavirus stuff has gotten me so frustrated. That's all I've got, folks so it's the Queen Bee buzzzzzzing off until tomorrow. As always stay safe...

Quarantined Day #2

 All is well on the good ship SS Quarantine in sunny Pensacola, Florida.  I got up before sunrise so I could go sit out back and watch and listen to the birds. Naturally, I forgot my phone and/or my camera or else I could have gotten some wonderful pictures. The birds are starting to let me get closer and closer to them. Each day I move my chair a little closer. Tomorrow, we'll see what happens. With my luck lately, the heavens will probably open up and one of Florida's famous torrential downpours will happen just when I sit down and get comfortable. Oh well, at least the flowers and trees and lawns and such will be happy and there's always another day.

I guess that's what I've learned through this whole ordeal and that's that there's always another day to get stuff done. People put too much stuff on their plate and stress themselves out about it. People, you need to stop it! Be kind to yourselves! Be kind to those around you! Enjoy your families and your time together. Find a reason to smile. Find a reason to laugh. Go get some fresh air even if it's only in your backyard. Sit down and relax and just breathe for awhile. For some people they never just breathe. They stay wound tighter than a top and those type of people are very hard to be around. Holy Hell! Do they even have a clue that it's like scaping a blackboard to be around them? I don't think they know

that or maybe they do know it and they don't care that they make people uncomfortable to be around them. Wow! That's scary because if they don't care that means they're real heavy duty grade A assholes and let's face it, we all know plenty of Type A summa cum laude assholes who are control freaks. Okay, Type A's,  you aren't magically excluded from this so you need to chill out and binge watch Northern Exposure (Four Seasons) or something. I would have to say Chris Stevens and I have the same philosophy in life. Imagine that! How many of you ever watched Northern Exposure or even remember it? OMG! Please, don't everyone say they loved Gilligan's Island, but hated Northern Exposure or better yet say WTF is Northern Exposure? Don't make me have to go chill out in the backyard and pump up the music! I hate when that happens!

P.S. The Blue Angels are practicing right now and so we're getting a free air show today.

Quarantined Day #1

What's with all the friggin' hoarding?  I can understand that people are freaked out over the coronavirus, but come on, be considerate of one another.  We all have to wipe our asses, right? We all have to eat, right?  And in my case, where I'm a diabetic, I have to test my blood sugar.  And because I have to test my blood sugar, I have to use alcohol swabs. But guess what I can't find anywhere? Okay, I can make do without them. I'll just wash my hands before testing with hot, soapy water. No big deal.  But it irks me that I have to make do without them because people have needlessly stockpiled alcohol swabs and have caused a shortage. Although I guess I'm rather used to that sort of thing because I live in Florida and during hurricane season people lose their mind every year. Try buying a loaf of bread, a battery, a bottle of water, a generator or anything else if a storm is anywhere near Florida.  But as Trumplethinskin, our fearless and quite sagely leader says this too shall pass, but only when it when it gets hot outside, remember? Heat is supposed to kill the virus according to Trump. Just where does he get his info? FOX News? Wait! It is hot! It was 80 degrees here today!  Sigh...a HUGE sigh and I'll be so glad when November passes. Please tell me that HUGE overgrown orange pompous boobette will be living somewhere other than in Washington DC after next January....PLEASE! Oh no! That’s right! He moved his official residence to fucking Florida! He doesn’t live in New York anymore. I’m going to cry. People that’s not funny on any level. So stop laughing! I can hear you snickering over there in the corner. I see you! Mildred sees EVERYTHING!

Now, for the big news of the day. Old Mildred got tested for coronavirus early this morning and while it wasn't on my bucket list of things to do, I did it because I have a 92-year-old mother living under the same roof as I do and well you see, Martha and I got exposed to the nasty "HOAX" Chinese virus somewhere in our travels and the Health Department tracked Martha down to let her know. That was so kind of them to do and that was so snarky of me to say :) Anyway, the nasal swab didn't bother me too much even though it felt like they were probing for lost brain cells from my misspent youth. Martha claimed she cried when they swabbed her and she couldn't see immediately afterwards. They must have hit her G-spot.

So, everyone living under both roofs are officially QUARANTINED until we get our results in 4 or 5 days. It sucks to be us!

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

And NOTHING will ever kill Keith Richards...

My Golden Shower

Like most women of a certain age or those who have given birth, "peeing" at times can be a quite precarious situation to say the least (sneezing, laughing, running and jumping are all on the endangered list.) Over a week ago I woke up in the morning with the overpowering urge to "tinkle,” so I jumped out of my bed and in my bare feet I started to scurry off to use the bathroom. When my bare feet hit the cold floor, I start to dribble a little. No big deal, right? By the time I reached the cold ceramic tiles in the hallway the great flood started to happen. I hurried! I really did! But the more I hurried the faster I dribbled and when I reached the hallway, those damn slippery ceramic dribbled on tiles and the damn gravity took me out in one swift swoop. My feet came out from under me and I tried to grab the door jamb to no avail. All I did was crack my knuckles and bang my elbow. When my ass hit the floor, it made a heavy thud. That thud caused a quick flood like a swift tsunami. Initially, I laid there to assess if I had broken anything and then old Mildred flailed like a beached fish in the hallway trying to get up in a puddle of piss. Unfortunately, I have nothing in the hallway to grab ahold of to help me get up so I had to slither along drenched in urine all the way to the bathroom so I could pull myself up using the vanity in the bathroom. What a mess! I did laugh at myself when I thought about the asshole whoever first coined the phrase "the golden years"... Golden, my ass! The only golden thing about this was the golden shower I got on the floor of my hallway. My youngest adult son says it's time for Depends at bedtime. OMG! Say it isn't so! Say growing older is more dignified and graceful than having to wear diapers at night. Here's your chance to lie to me and blow smoke up my ass. Mildred needs some comforting lies!

Now, for the rest of the story...why is there always the rest of the story with me? This little escapade resulted in something that felt like whiplash and a severely bruised butt from where I fell. Oh, it still hurts to sit down. I know it could have been much worse and I feel thankful I didn't break anything. When I had my X-rays done it made me acutely aware of the high anxiety people are feeling just from looking at their faces. People are worried about this damn pandemic. People need to be reassured. People need to be tested. People need to be treated. We need a vaccine and most of all we need a leader. We need someone who doesn't lie whenever they open their mouth. We need someone who puts the American people first. Tell me how I went from peeing all over myself to the American public needing a leader?  That's a far stretch on connecting the dots, isn't it? lol