30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWELVE

Truth #12: Many times people who struggle with chronic pain become adept in covering it up. You may never see the magnitude of actual pain the person lives with daily and if you did it would shake you to your core. Chronic pain is exhausting and it touches every aspect of a person's life. Chronic pain sufferers are chronically sleep deprived. Sleep would be a welcome relief, but unless heavily medicated a chronic pain sufferer will also suffer from insomnia. Many chronic pain sufferers have addiction issues and ride that roller coaster in search of relief. Chronic pain will drain a person both mentally and physically changing a person over time which can lead to other health problems. Often times this person becomes irritable and dislikes being around people, commotion and noise. Chronic pain damages a person's concentration and makes doing even simple tasks a challenge at times. Most chronic pain sufferers try to ignore the pain and live a normal life, but doing that is next to impossible. Chronic pain damages a person's self-esteem and self-worth because the person cannot do the things they have done in the past. A chronic pain sufferer sees themselves as damaged goods thus less than everyone else around them. They are forced to accept their limitations and this causes great internal strife. Often times they feel like everyone is disppointed or mad at them for not being 100% anymore because they feel that way about themselves. Chronic pain breeds isolation and severe depression and sometimes chronic pain sufferers take their own lives when the mental and physical pain becomes unbearable. 

I WASN'T EXPECTING A MIRACLE

Like many people who get trapped into the downward spiral that narcotics use brings, I endured years and years of the effects of the feeling that no dose was ever quite enough. That feeling is what makes narcotics use so dangerous and so deadly. That need and want to always use just a little more to get just a little more relief from pain can be a real killer. It can and will suck the life right out of you. I've had many friends succumb to that need. I dabbled with narcotics in my youth, but my serious narcotic use started from prescribed drugs as an adult after having my first spinal surgery. That was at a time before there was a crackdown on prescribing narcotics. Initially, I started out with mild painkillers and worked my way into more heavy duty ones over time as my dependence on them grew as my condition worsened. Eventually, my primary care doctor referred me to a pain management specialist when she felt she could no longer treat me. At that point I was taking 2 time released Oxycontin daily and I was being prescribed 4 Percocet10's daily for any breakthrough pain. Believe it or not, I was not zonked! In fact, most people didn't even know I was taking painkillers. Let's just say I had a pretty high tolerance.

I was never able to get steroid injections in my back and neck because I'm highly sensitive to steroids. The one time I did have a steroid injection in my knee, my blood sugar spiked to over 600 and even with insulin injections (I'm diabetic) it wouldn't go down for over a week. Anyone who has battled high blood sugar knows that all over sick feeling one has with high blood sugar. Twice in my life I've stopped using narcotics cold turkey and twice in my life it was not a fun experience. I don't plan to do it a third time.

Written April 9, 2009

Truth? As far out on the edge as I’ve teetered, something has always kept me from stepping into the abyss. Truth? My pain and I have a very intimate relationship. It’s very complicated and the only lasting relationship I’ve ever had. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship full of angst and exploration leading me into places where I’m able to forget my pain temporarily. During those times, life has been wonderful and filled with adventures, but nonetheless those times were temporary.

Is there anyone out there who has ever gotten to the point of saying “I’m done”? Well, what do you do when you’re done? What do you do when you look back at the life you’ve lived and see that it’s taken you to a place of true complacency and indifference? Wow! That’s a place I never thought I’d be! Anger maybe. Rage was always a possibility. Bitterness was always aching to be number one on the hit parade, but what did I get? Complacency and indifference salted with a dash of disillusionment.

Without all the gory details, I recently made a decision that possibly could be the queen of all my self-destructive acts. I know some might think anyone making the decision to stop an addiction… any addiction is a wise decision. Perhaps it is! What would one say to someone who is addicted to prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxers and who has decided to stop taking those drugs against medical advice? Hmmmmmmm! Go for it? Good luck? You’re a damn fool? There’s no escaping the truth. When you’re done, you’re done.

Truth? Drugs have veiled many of my written words over the past several years. Okay, for some that may come as no big surprise, but for me it does. What surprises me is that after living through the horrors of drug abuse at a younger age, I allowed myself to take the easy way out as an adult and become something I hated. I would like nothing more than to be able to blame the doctors who prescribed the drugs to me, but I can’t do that. I won’t do that! They had a job to do and did it. What transpired was a perfectly legal act, although some might question the ethics or morals involved.

Was I some drug-seeking individual that goes from doctor to doctor hoping to score some decent drugs? Truth? No! My medical problems set me on the path of having the best drugs health insurance could legally buy. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast includes developing a tolerance to prescribed narcotics. What may work initially only becomes a way to take the edge off and feel somewhat normal…. whatever normal is I’ve forgotten.

After careful consideration, I decided to go cold turkey. Is that the politically correct term these days or is it only showing my age? I decided to do this withdrawal in stages thinking that it would be easier on me due to other health issues. Instead of weaning myself off my meds, I abruptly stopped taking my Oxycontin first and now, I’m in the throes of a nasty divorce from Percocet 10’s. The muscle relaxers were flushed sometime in the midst of all this madness. Has my last month been fun? Hell no, but what I do know is that withdrawal can be accomplished. All it takes is determination and insanity will take you the rest of the way.

Written 6/18/18

Plunder Woman

While I've been MIA (missing in action) lately, I've been working towards cleansing my system of all the gnarly narcotics that have held me prisoner [AGAIN] for the past 15 years. Since 2003, I've taken the whole spectrum of painkillers and have to admit nothing works very well these days. Why continue taking something that doesn't give me any relief? Why continue taking something that harms my already compromised liver? Because I've chosen to make what I think is an informed decision, I'm in the process of weaning myself off morphine because cold turkey is a real bitch. Trust me, I've been down that road a time or two and I definitely don't want to visit that rocky path ever again.

Over the last 15 years I've taken every NSAID known to man, plus Tramadol, Lortab, Percocet, Oxycontin, Methadone, Fentanyl and Morphine. You name it and I've taken it. I've used TENS units and even had 2 internal neurostimulators implants that are wired directly into my spine. I've had two separate anterior discectomies with fusions to fuse 4 of my 7 cervical discs. I have to admit not being able to look up or turn my head has been a little challenging at times. And as for the surgeries, they've done little to alleviate my pain. My last neurosurgeon told me that there was nothing else that he could do to help me. He basically told me that I'd have to grin and bear it.

I've also tried exercise, heated pool therapy, regular physical therapy, massages, chiropractic adjustments, heat and ice with no substantial or long term relief from anything I tried. The only things I haven't tried at this point are steroid injections that are injected directly into the site that's causing the pain and acupuncture. As ordered by my endocrinologist, I can't ever do the steroid injections because steroids make my blood sugar skyrocket. And acupuncture?  To be honest, the thought of being a human pin cushion (even though they say no pain is involved) doesn’t exactly excite me, so I think this particular predicament is called being S.O.L. (shit out of luck)

Physically, I've gone from being Wonder Woman to being a lackluster cave-dwelling crone. Mentally, I've learned to suffer in silence. Isolation is a common tool used by many people with serious medical issues and by people who have simply given up and don't want to play the "happy" game any longer. It's easier to be isolated than it is to be around people. That overwhelming urge to put on a happy face has worn me out. It’s difficult to maintain that “everything is just peachy” act for very long and the older I get, the more that desire wanes. That's why I became a hermit. No, that's not entirely true. The combination of severe chronic pain and my lifelong inability to select a significant other who isn't a complete twisted freak-a-zoid asshole are the two major reasons for becoming a troglodyte. The wealthy call it being an eccentric recluse and the poor call it life after the fast lane. I call it how Mildred maintains some semblance of sanity. 

Recently I decided to give medical marijuana a whirl. Both my primary care doctor and my pain management doctor gave me their blessing regarding my decision. Florida legalized marijuana for medicinal use in the 2016, but have always steered clear until now due to all the hoop jumping that's involved.  Once I finally made the decision, I carefully followed all the necessary steps dotting all i's and crossing all t's. Unfortunately, I know what a clusterfuck anything pertaining to the government can be. Anything they handle on a local, state or federal level involves too much red tape that only slows the process of forward movement and expands the room for errors to be made every step of the way.

First, I made an appointment to see Dr. Feelgood. Next, I had my medical records from my pain management doctor and my primary care doctor faxed to Dr. Feelgood. This was done to substantiate a medical diagnosis that is on the list of qualifying diseases and conditions. Previous medical records also help Dr. Feelgood to write a personalized prescription/care plan. Next, I kept my appointment (BTW, Dr. Feelgood really knew her stuff.) Once a person sees the doc and her recommendation is submitted along with your Patient ID number, the mandatory application for a Medical Marijuana card from the state with a $75 required fee (everyone has to get their piece of the pot pie) can be submitted online or by snail mail. About 2 weeks later, I received an email me with my card number. Until I receive my actual card, the email with the card number enables me to make purchases.  They say it takes about 4 to 6 weeks to receive the actual card. That's the speed of light for any government agency! I'll believe 4 to 6 weeks once I have my card in my hand is really 4 to 6 weeks.

There's two dispensaries where I live and both do home deliveries. I'll most likely use that service in the future, but I wanted to check out the dispensary in person for my first purchase. I like to see how things work and if they run smoothly. It gives me an overall picture of whether or not I'm dealing with a bunch of imbeciles. It helps keep my expectations in the realm of reality. I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised by the whole operation at Surterra Wellness right down to the ATM standing all shiny and new inside the dispensary. This feature made a lot of sense since the marijuana business is all cash and carry due to the current Federal laws and banking restrictions.They would have really impressed me if they had a blood plasma center on site so people could sell some blood to buy their weed. That's what I would have called one stop shopping!

The dispensary was a strange trip...nothing like copping a little weed back in the day from the friendly neighborhood pot dealer! Upon checking in for my first one stop shopping experience, I found out that my approved card number didn't show up in the Florida Stoners-R-Us database when the dispensary tried to access it. So I sat there and called the 800 number into the state registry. Ring! Ring! Ring! I first accessed their automated menu hoping I pushed all the right selections to talk to an actual human being. Of course, there were many callers ahead of me, but the automated recording assured me that the first available representative would help me and thanked me for waiting patiently. I wonder who I'd have to register a complaint with regarding the "on hold" music that played in my ear while I waited. I beg your pardon, but elevator music is not acceptable to listen to for more than 5 seconds and what stoner do you know who listens to that crap? Pink Floyd would have been easier on the ears!

Fast forward about 45 minutes later and the state informed me that I indeed had been approved and the number emailed to me was correct. Duh! I knew the number was correct. The state knew the number was correct. I wanted to know why the dispensary couldn't access my correct account number. That issue was never answered. "I don't know" didn't seem like an acceptable answer, but I wasn't going to push the issue because I didn't want my correct account number to permanently float around lost in cyberspace. What I did was accept some things are meant to remain a mystery. So now, I'm back at square one. The dispensary needed to be able to access my account via my top secret correct account number. If the dispensary couldn't access my account with the prescription from my pot doc, then I wouldn't be able to make a purchase. Period! Why would I ever expect anything to ever go smoothly from start to finish and not be riddled with all sorts of Murphy's laws? I don't know how, but somehow magically, my card number appeared in the database after my phone call to Florida's Stoners-R-Us registry. Go figure! It must have been a miracle!

Now fast forward to the present day: Pensacola now has 6 dispensaries in anticipation of Florida legalizing cannabis in the near future. I think they're trying to get it on the ballot in 2020. Hip! Hip! Hooray! Like the title of this blog post indicates, I wasn't expecting a miracle, but smoking marijuana has helped with my pain and it's kept me off narcotics. That's the important thing. You see, unlike with narcotics I'm not going to die from using cannabis.  It is, however an ongoing process of educating myself regarding the various strains and what works best for me. For instance: Sativa strains are for daytime use and Indica strains are for nighttime use. Hybrids are potent blends for anytime use :). I won't bore all you non-users with a bunch of tips from Mildred, but please know Mildred is much better than she has been in a long, long time! And Martha has been like a ray of sunshine and a real blast from my past! Together we're just two radical old stoners looking for the ultimate munchies :)

*Repost from November 4, 2019

Update: (December 8, 2022) I'm still not taking any narcotics. Hooray for me! I still use medical marijuana for depression, anxiety, insomnia and pain. I have a few favorites strains I use specifically for pain. Dutch Treat, Grandaddy Purple, 9lb Hammer and Duct Tape have been excellent in helping alleviate my pain symptoms. Pensacola now has 11 dispensaries. The cannabis business seems to be booming!

SLAMMED

In light of the pen being mightier than the sword post, I was just thinking about how cruel people can be at times especially during those years between ages 5 and 18. I think we've all known a bully or two in our lifetimes or perhaps we, ourselves were that bully. During Junior High School (it still seems weird to call it Middle School now) we had a definitive way of knowing exactly where each of us stood in the grand scheme of things and in the hierarchy of popularity. I was always fortunate enough to be a social chameleon during those years and to fit into whatever group I was around at the time. I have to shamefully admit I participated in bullying in a passive aggressive way by helping pigeon hole people. 

The aptly named SLAM BOOK was without a doubt a way to express all those things we otherwise might never say out loud directly to someone we disliked...or liked. The times were masked by a cloud of peace and love and were perfumed with the aroma of incense and marijuana, so calling someone out after school to roll around in the gravel to settle a dispute was no longer deemed as cool. A version of Mean Girls 1960's style was quickly developed to take its place. 

Today, I hear the internet is used in much the same way. Maybe the before mentioned SLAM BOOK was just a Maine thing or a Bangor, Maine thing, although I doubt it. I believe the concept was far reaching and as I think about today's bullies, I can't believe kids don't indulge in something as creative as a SLAM BOOK or do they? Is that what all the social networking websites are used for by the youth of today? Is it a way of stalking, bullying and being a rotten, unfeeling bitch or bastard to unsuspecting, undeserving, defenseless individuals? 

For those of you who are scratching your heads and wondering what in the world I'm talking about, let me enlighten you. Quite simply, to create a SLAM BOOK all it took was a notebook...preferably a spiral notebook. A sign-in page was kept separate from the notebook and was always kept in the possession of the creator of the SLAM BOOK and no one else. Each person was assigned a number whereas to keep their identity a secret. Anonymity was a crucial factor for a great SLAM BOOK. Once a person had a number then the object was to go through the book writing how you truthfully felt about each person and any topic listed. If the first page of the Slam Book was headed by my name then it looked something like this: 

MILDRED RATCHED

 

Mildred needs to take her meds on a regular basis and stop acting like such a lunatic! The next time she comes at me with her enema bag, I'm going to knock her into next week. 💋💋💋(I love you, Mildred and your parties are superior to all others!) XXXXOOOOO ------------------------------- 

  #1

What a douche! 💩💩💩She stole my boyfriend! 

There's a special place in hell for girls like her! 🔥

                                       15

   One of the funniest chicks I know.😈  

Always up for an adventure.

                                                                                                                           8

👺MegaBITCH👎

        4                                        👍👍

                                                  22                                                          🌞+

                                                                                                                17

* Repost from November 2, 2011                                                                                                                  

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY ELEVEN

Truth #11: Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can scar someone for life. They always say the pen is mightier than the sword and I have to agree because words have the ability to have far-reaching and longer effect than the quick swipe of a sword blade. That sword blade may be swift, deadly and accurate, but a person's words will remain with you always to continue causing pain and suffering long after they have been spoken. They come back to haunt you at unexpected times and in unexpected places and for those reasons I say the pen is mightier than the sword. 

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TEN

Truth #10: Saying "no" is one of the hardest things a person must learn how to do and it's also one of the most empowering words a person can say at times. Many times throughout a person's life one might get trapped into the mindset of being a people-pleaser and never saying no to anything or anyone. If you become that person, you find yourself struggling by always taking on too many things and overloading yourself. The stress can become unbearable at times. People around you know you're the go to person because you'll get it done no matter what. No matter what the cost and you're the one in the end who will have the nervous breakdown! Do yourself a favor and learn to say no once in awhile.

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!

Nestled away on Pensacola Beach is this strange little house that seems to attract attention from anyone who drives past it...

According to the articles, the Futuro House heritage is traced as far back to 1889.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY NINE

Truth #9: A lot of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose. When you stop and think about how malleable a child is and how careless and blind an adult can be at times, the combination often times leads to lifelong emotional scars. A child starts learning from day one and many times we don't think they are paying attention to us and what we are doing and saying, but they are. They'll emulate us and copy our behavior even when they know we are wrong. 

FOR THOSE WHO SHOULD BE REMEMBERED

I encourage anyone who visits the Pensacola area to take the time to visit these two memorials. They are located across the street from each other along Bayfront Parkway.

The National Memorial to Missing Children was the idea of Kathy Gaut, whose 19-year-old daughter disappeared from Pensacola in 1992. The odd bronze sculpture of two giant bronze forearms and hands arched over a naked mom, dad, and baby by Sarasota artist,  Sam Nettles, was dedicated in 2002. There have been complaints that homeless people sleep around the out-of-the-way memorial -- but the sculpture is named, after all, "The Sanctuary" and is located  across the street from the Veterans Memorial Park.

The Veterans Memorial Park is home of Wall South, the first permanent replica of the National Vietnam War Memorial. Founded in 1992 the Park has since grown and prospered. It now includes a WWI Memorial, a WWII Memorial, a Korean War Memorial, and a running series of plaques to honor local warriors who have fallen in the Global War on Terror. There is also a Purple Heart Memorial and a monument to the submarine lifeguards who rescued so many Navy pilots in WWII (including President George Herbert Walker Bash). Most recently, it is home to the Marine Corps Aviation Bell Tower, which has become a popular venue for local veteran's events and ceremonies. 

Our Park continues to grow. A Revolutionary War Memorial has been approved and will shortly join our other memorials. It will fill a gap of omission at the Park, honoring those whose sacrifice gave Americans a Nation worth defending. The next gap to be filled will be a memorial to honor the current generation of Americans who are fighting the Global War on Terror. Our community is steeped in military tradition and enriched with a strong military presence. The full range of service, sacrifice, duty and honor that comes with military service is amply illustrated in the example of our own citizens. This park is dedicated to the memories of those who sacrificed their lives in the defense of this nation. 

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY EIGHT

Truth #8: Call me Scrooge! Call me The Grinch! But Christmas is not what it is supposed to be. People run out and put themselves in debt year after year and for what? Because they feel guilt if they don't completely fill their livingrooms with gifts? That's bullshit! Christmas has become a holiday for the merchants! Period! And each year it comes earlier and earlier. What ever happened to making things for people? Or would that insult someone if they received a homemade gift? I would rather receive a gift from someone that they made. It means so much more to me. In the past I've painted pictures for people and crocheted scarves, etc and yes, I do also buy gifts, but I truly do believe it's a big rat trap and Christmas is meant primarily for children. This year my family has decided since there are no children anymore we are foregoing the gift giving tradition. We're just going to get together, celebrate by being together as a family, have a nice meal, argue amongst ourselves, call each other despicable names and go home with full stomachs and hearts with our humanity and bank accounts intact.

DEAR SANTA

With all the hoopla about Christmas today, I decided to cave in and make a Christmas list. At the top of my list is this house. It has always been my favorite one here in Pensacola. It over looks the bay and I believe I could feel right at home in this lavish monstrosity.

*Repost from November 9, 2011

AN AFTERNOON AT THE BEACH

Yesterday was a difficult day for me as I reflected on my mother's death and emptied a box a Kleenex by 10am. I felt grateful for my friend, Jesse who chatted with me up until I decided I needed to get out and get some fresh air and clear my head. Then my friend and partner in crime, Linda (Martha) took over. We took quick spin out to the beach. It wasn't a bright, sunny day, but that was okay...it was 76 and the day was more like how I felt. I wanted to be strong because that's how my mother would want me to be, but when you love someone and they are no longer there and are gone forever, it makes for a gray type of day. 

There was a hint of blue and every now and then the sun teased us and tried to come out.

The Redneck Riviera at her finest! lol

We drove past the parking lot and found a spot that looked good. Off in the distance you can see some higg rises and the good thing about this part of Florida is that it isn't wall to wall high rises yet.  This is what the beaches look like.

I didn't even see many seagulls out flying around. 

A lonely shell someone left behind.

As the waves flattened the surfers, got out of the water.

A hint of blue sky!

I was glad to see that the winter has been used to replace some of the boards on the boardwalks.

Our sand is almost as white as snow, but a lot better because it doesn't need to be shoveled!

A lovely pic of my knees!

And one of my knees and shoes! lol

This is Linda gazing off down the beach (most likely watching the men in their speedos) What a wicked woman she is!

Linda was scanning the horizon and is deep in thought. She didn't know I was taking her picture and claimed nobody ever gets a decent pic of her. Looks like I proved her wrong!

 

As you see there isn't many people out here and believe it or not even in the summer our beaches don't get super crowed.

 

One surfer who came out of the water and peeled off his wet suit had a wicked sunburn. Oh, he was going to feel it later that evening.

Just more sugar white sand as far as the eye can see and water.

When we first got there, people were out surfing, but the waves started dissipating soon after.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY SEVEN

Truth #7: Grief isn't something that ever truly ends. You take it with you until the day you die. You learn to live with it and over time the tears become less frequent. The pain fades, but the love you feel remains. The losses of loved ones that touch your life change you and mold you into being a stronger person until that next wave of grief hits. Then for a time you lose your balance and succumb to all the emotions of loss all over again. The process brings me to my knees because my heart aches for the people I no longer have in my life. My heart cries out for them and there is only silence. I know that may sound selfish and so be it. But today I miss my mother and she's gone...

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY SIX

Truth #6: This time of year many people tend to add new additions to their homes from local animal shelters or possibly from a breeder or a pet store. Truth #6 sinks to the core of my being because I am an animal lover through and through. I have always had a pet or pets my entire life and they are as much a part of my family as any of my family members are. When they die, I grieve and I miss them terribly. They leave a hole in my heart. These are the reasons why I feel people shouldn't own pets unless they intend to treat them as family members and to love them a such. When I see animals left outside in the heat or cold without food or water I truly do not understand why a person would get a pet only to abuse it. My truth here is that people guilty of doing such things should be chained ouside without food and water and shown how it feels to live that way. So if you intend to bring that new puppy or kitten home for Christmas and you don't intend to make it part of your family, do it a favor and leave it where it is because at least it's getting fed and it's sheltered and warm where it is.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY FIVE

Truth #5: When something bad happens you have three choices: You can let it define you. You can let it destroy you. You can let it strengthen you. I encourage each of you to reflect on your life and look at those dark times. What did they do for you? Or what did you do with the dark times? Do you wear those times like a badge? Did those times cripple you? Or have those times taught you to be a better person so you can reach out and help others going through similiar times?

SHOW ME WHERE IT HURTS

When you've been hurt, what works best to help you heal? For me, I find writing is very therapeutic. It allows me to vent uninterrupted and it also allows me to see the problem as a whole instead of in disjointed parts that often times make no sense. This blog has been a blessing in many ways and one added bonus of blogging is getting other people's opinions on whatever the topic I choose to tackle. Interacting with others not only helps broaden my perspective and gives me much food for thought, but it helps me to see that I'm not alone even when things seem to be at a low point. The truth is that we all share the same human experience. We all hurt at times. We all get disappointed by people we love and we all can help each other by reaching out and sharing our pain and experiences with one another.