MORE ADULT CHRISTMAS HUMOR

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole,

were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,

released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear,

that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,

because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,

And millions of people were calling the Cops,

when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,

and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,

demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife

who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,

demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion

that making a choice could cause such commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...

Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.

And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,

were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,

for they raised the hackles of those psychological,

who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,

besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.

and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,

he just couldn't figure out what to do next?

He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,

but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.

His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,

nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,

give to us all, without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,

each group of people in every religion.

Every race, every hue,

everyone, everywhere...even you!

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

Truth #28: The truth for Christmas Eve is that today is an excellent day to take a break and just enjoy the day even though it's the coldest day we've had in 30 years. I say "enjoy" the day and that's only after I brave the cold and go out shopping for puppy stuff so I can bring Thor to his new home and introduce him to his new family.  I have one dog sleeping on my heating pad meant for my injured shoulder and the others are snuggled up in their usual spots. I consider Tara, my cat to be one of the pack because she thinks she's a dog or a "cog" (cat-dog). Perhaps the old saying "nothing is constant but change" rings true today as my family increases in size. Later, I'll finish baking Christmas cookies and call it a day by greeting Santa Claus as he lands on my roof with some freshly baked cookies and a cup of hot cocoa before sending him on his way to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls across the world...and probably a few naughty ones too!

MEET THOR

Thor is the newest addition to my family. My partner in crime and lifelong friend, Linda aka Martha raises Corgis. She and her husband, Max gave me an adorable tri-color Corgi puppy (I'm so excited) I know my other furbabies, Fenway, B.A., Libby and Tara will go through an adjustment period, but everyone will be the best of friends before too long. 

Thor in his Christmas sweater

Thor says , "I'm a handsome boy!"

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-SEVEN

Truth #27: The saying goes it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all but I don't know if that's true because like a junkie once one tastes the sweet flavor of love, one always craves it again. Some spend their entire lives being with all the wrong people in pursuit of that one perfect, everlasting love. I liken that to continually crashing into a rock wall. It hurts and you never reach the destination you set out to reach. Long ago I found that being alone is better than being with the wrong person and it's also so much easier. There is no cure, quick fix or replacement for love. I think at this stage of my life when it comes to loyalty and companionship, I found the solution that's right for me. Having pets hasn't taken away my need for love, but they have filled a certain void.

HO! HO! HO!

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-SIX

Truth #26: The house I grew up in was built in the early 1830's. The fact of the matter is that houses aren't built like that anymore. Cheaper materials are used and things just don't last as long these days. I'm sure you've noticed this about just everything you buy now!  Also, modern architecture is so sterile and without any real character. It seems to be all about geometric shapes. Where there was once detail and craftsmanship now there are sharp, lackluster angles and curves meant to spark your imagination. Let's compare a few buildings of the past with those of the present and see which ones rank higher on the list of those we prefer.

The Present

The Past

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Truth #25: Delayed gratification builds character. I have to laugh at this one because I have drummed this concept into my children's heads from the time they were very little. Their response was always the same and it still is.  They always told me they must have lots of character...and they do! Growing up they weren't the kids throwing tantrums in the grocery store because they couldn't have candy or something else they wanted. Before we ever went inside the store we got it straight what they could or couldn't have so there wasn't any discussion at the check out line. Don't get me wrong! My children didn't want for much. They had all the newest gadgets, games and toys. Sometimes they had to wait for them, but that didn't hurt them to wait for something. It taught them to have patience and understanding that money doesn't grow on trees. I was a single mother for much of their growing up years, so this meant I had to creatively budget money. Toys, etc. took a lower priority over other things on the list of needs. I think they grew up understanding and not resenting the fact that waiting for something didn't mean no. All it meant was that they were going to have to wait a little longer to have the things they wanted. Their radiant smiles when they got whatever it was that they wanted always was more thanks than I ever needed and was always reward enough for me for giving up something I wanted so they could be happy.  

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-FOUR

Truth #24: I found a few quotes about depression I found fitting especially for this time of year since so many people seem to struggle with depression and anxiety during the holiday season. If you know anyone who battles these demons, please be mindful of them and reach out to that person. You may be that person's saving grace! 

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb. 

A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.

It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there because it’s not sadness.

People think depression is sadness. That it’s crying and dressing in black, but people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. It’s being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again.

You don’t understand depression until you can’t stand your own presence in an empty room.

If you feel everything intensely, ultimately, you feel nothing at all.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. 

Depression is like a heavy blanket. It covers all of me, and it’s hard to get up. But there’s comfort in it too. I know who I am when I’m under it. 

I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper, “I’m fine.”

Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. 

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.

It’s not always the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it’s the smile we fake. 

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

Are you struggling?

If you’re having a hard time, know that there are people out there who care! Reach out to a friend, family member, or seek out a mental health professional.

If you’re in crisis, here are a few resources to help:

If you live in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800- 273-TALK (800-273-8255). They have trained counselors available 24/7. Stop a Suicide Today is another helpful resource.

Befrienders Worldwide and the International Association for Suicide Prevention are two organizations that provide contact information for crisis centers outside of the United States.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-THREE

Truth #23: One of the most destructive forces known to man is gossip. Children these days use it to crucify one another on social media and everywhere you see adults engaging in gossip when all they're doing is spreading vicious lies about another human being. I suppose in order to feel superior one must rake someone else over the coals in attempt to destroy their reputation. You probably needn't look any further than after church on Sunday when women start talking about what one another have worn to church. Yes, women are catty devils, but men gossip also! 

When I was young being the black sheep of the family made me the prime target of gossip. I developed thick skin at an early age and whenever I caught wind of any gossip related to me going around, I would add to the story making it much juicier than what the story already was. Then I would send it out for another go around. I know most young people have tender feelings and gossip crushes them, but I didn't really care what people said about me.  I found it amusing that they had nothing better to do with their time than to gossip about me. Some teens even succumb to bullies by committing suicide because they can't handle the pressure of the gossip and lies. It's sad that people don't stop and think about what they're doing to other people by spreading gossip. Gossip can cause real pain and devastation in a person's life.

When I was a kid we used to play a game called Telegraph. We'd all sit in a line and the first person would whisper something in the second person's ear only once. Then each person would whisper what they heard to the next person passing it down the line. The last person would have to say what they heard out loud. Nine times out of ten that last person would never say out loud the same thing the first person whispered. The same thing happens with gossip. It gets stretched and distorted along the way the more it gets passed around. Be careful with participating in gossip because you're only hurting another human being and it may come back to bite you someday. 

THE 14K GOLDEN RULE

In life there are few true absolutes. Absolutes are supposed to be keys to open the locked doors to happiness and tranquility and serve as basic guidelines for people to live by so they can have what is deemed a good life. A great example of an absolute is The Golden Rule. This concept is a crucial point in many of the world's major religions (Christianity, Confucianism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and Taoism). The simplicity of The Golden Rule is what makes it so complex and often times misused or misunderstood. When properly implemented, a person might find a certain joy in treating other people the way they themselves want to be treated. I often wonder how something that appears so easy to execute is so difficult to accomplish in reality. 

I often wonder what it is in man's nature that prevents us from expressing brotherly love on a consistent basis and obtaining a peaceful co-existence. What makes us skeptical, selfish, arrogant, hostile and greedy? Why do we tend to find it easier to fight than to walk away and find peaceful solutions? We all have theories about the true nature of man. Some say we are products of our environments. Others claim genetic make-up holds the answers to why and who we are. Many people believe God or some higher power creates each of us and leaves us with free will to stumble and learn as we travel the path that leads to positive growth and righteousness. A pragmatic or secular person believes experience is what molds us into the very unique people each of us are. 

One only has to look at any family in which each child is raised the same way, with the same set of rules and circumstances to see how individual and unique each of those children become. Somehow I think we are a product of many factors with no one factor outweighing another. Certainly one can see how environment plays a crucial role in our general development and outlook on life. Genetics may predispose us to certain things, but our free will allows us to decide whether we will succumb to some genetic trait or not. 

For many people religion or some major philosophical ideology is a strong factor influencing the choices they make throughout their lives. But what exactly is it that makes one person suffer, withdraw and become bitter while the same incident might make another person stronger, more compassionate and more determined to overcome obstacles? 

* Repost from May 6, 2010 (I removed the Castaneda quote from this post since I just used it in a recent one)

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM FOR ME

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about dreams. No, not the kind you have at night. Not the ones that somehow always leave you in breathless anticipation and seem to dissipate as soon as a person awakens. No, the dreams that have captured my thoughts are the ones that take root during a lifetime and seem to stick with you. I've always envied those people who have the drive and stamina to make their dreams come true. I've often wondered why I seem to lack that drive and stamina. Why do things always seem just slightly out of reach? Why do my "projects" lay shamefully incomplete? Am I really that clueless as to how to succeed in life or are unfulfilled dreams symptomatic of people with addiction problems? While cruising around the blogosphere I stumbled upon contemplating dreams. This person wrote:

letting go of dreams, hopes...aspirations can be ....be oddly painful... dreams are like the weeds in the garden of your mind. while you are busy planting the goals for future... dreams plant themselves in ...and take root. while you need to lavish time and attention to get ideas and goals to take root and flourish... dreams flourish without the slightest of attention... without any ray of light. impossible dreams, ones you *know* don't make any sense and will probably never come true are the absolute worst kind of weeds. they spread their roots deep into the underground terrain of your mind making pulling them out an herculean task... they muddle up your thinking... leaving small paper cut wounds when you stumble across them without expecting to in the least.

Gratitude statement: I'm not so sure of how grateful I can actually be since I have never allowed any of my dreams to come true. But I can say I'm thankful I still have some dreams! Those are the ones not even Agent Orange can kill. 

* Repost from January 26, 2011

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-TWO

Truth #22:  Logic and knowledge will get you from Point A to Point B and imagination will get you everywhere else. Imagination gives you wings to fly and explore. It gives you a spark to create. It gloriously colors your world and tickles your soul. Sometimes your imagination is bold and beckons loudly while other times it whispers gently while it brushes past you like a gentle breeze. The imagination is the muscle of the mind that people tend to let fade away once childhood is long gone deeming it useless and juvenile. Once adulthood is upon us many of us no longer have an active imagination. Logic and common sense have taken over and the imagination has atrophied with age. Those who have exercised their imagination are the artists, writers and great creators of the world. We the people who admire their works exercise our imagination and keep it alive by indulging ourselves in the journeys those people take. We take those journeys with them. We not only admire the art the create, but we understand it. We not only read the books they write but we become part of the story as we read them. We allow ourselves to dream and venture into the unknown. We keep our minds open and our imaginations keenly honed because we know it is a life force as important as logic where anything is possible.