30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY FIFTEEN

Truth #15: One of the most frustrating things in life is trying to be someone you aren't. Take someone who desperately wants to live what they perceive to be as a normal life, but they are completely miserable in doing so because that person needs a little spice, a little wild hair every now and then to feel what's normal for them, but to fit in they go against what their core is telling them to be. My mother always told me "to thine ownself be true" but how far should one take that? I'm not talking about let's all go out and swing from the trees, become serial killers or live out all our wildest fantasies, but what if someone struggles with living a lifestyle that's not meant for them to live. Life is too short to live it being void of any happiness, any satisfaction, any fulfillment. Shouldn't we all find our own path? Whatever that path is? If the beat we hear is a different one, then I think we owe it to ourselves to follow it to see where it will lead us. If that path is down some rabbit hole, then perhaps we should change our name to Alice and just enjoy the adventure.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY FOURTEEN

Truth #14: We tend to cram people especially those closest to us in the box labeled PERFECT and then when those people disappoint us by being less than perfect, it hurts us deeply. We tend to forget that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. And unfortunately those closest to us are the people who will hurt us the most in life. But it's entirely up to us how we handle that hurt and disappointment. We have a few options: We can isolate ourselves so we are insulated from hurt and disappointment. Good luck on that one because it's a lonely existence being a hermit! We can forgive and go about our business knowing that to err is human and to forgive is divine or we can fall into the trap of the endless tit for tat game of I'll show you how it feels to be hurt and disappointed. All that does is breed hate and discontent. Revenge is a horrible game to play! The truth is people will hurt and disappoint you sometimes, but if it's a continual pattern and you feel used or cast aside like day old trash until you're needed again then you might want to reevaluate your own self-worth and move yourself into a different box. Face it, if someone continually hurts you and disappoints you, they aren't as perfect as you thought they were and they might be more comfortable residing in the ASSHOLE or BITCH box.  

NEW BREAKTHROUGH OR NEW NIGHTMARE?

One might question why two of the most addictive chemicals on Earth (nicotine and cocaine) would be combined. The Genetic Literacy Project has an article and video shedding a little light on the subject:

A tobacco plant relative called Nicotiana benthamiana has been genetically modified to produce cocaine in its leaves. Cocaine is produced naturally in the leaves of the Erythroxylum coca plant, and scientists set out to recreate this process in N. benthamiana. A team from the Kunming Institute of Botany in China altered N. benthamiana to produce two enzymes that generate cocaine when its leaves are dried. The breakthrough could lead to a way to manufacture cocaine, or produce chemically similar compounds for medicinal purposes. 

 

While cocaine is notorious as an illegal drug, it has also been used in medical practices as a local anaesthetic or to narrow blood vessels to stem bleeding. However, pharmaceutical companies are limited in ways they can produce the drug, as key steps in its biosynthesis have remained a mystery. In their paper, published in the Journal of the American Chemical Society, the scientists finally discovered what was missing. Two enzymes, EnCYP81AN15 and EnMT4, are essential for this conversion reaction to form methylecgonone.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY THIRTEEN

Truth #13: Relationships do not thrive on neglect. I see it all the time...two people get together and they're the perfect fit, the perfect couple. They have everything going for them and then BAM! Everything goes to Hell. It's simple. They got caught up in their own hype and thought their relationship didn't require any work when in reality all relationships require work.  Your relationship with your significant other is a work in progress until the day you die. The day you stop working on your relationship is the day you should go sign the divorce papers or just call it quits altogether. Relationships require comunication and honesty regardless of what a person may think. Yes, there are going to be difficult times and times where just looking at the person is going to make you want to pull your hair out but it isn't the fact that you love the person that gets you through a difficult time, it's the fact the you LIKE that person and that you RESPECT that person. It's the bond you have with that person that gets you through the hard stuff. It's knowing that no matter what, you can talk to that person about anything. If you have someone you can share anything with and I mean the most intimate details of your life without hesitation knowing that person will still accept you for who you are and they won't turn their back on you, then you need to hold that person close to your heart always because that person is a true gift that doesn't happen often.

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWELVE

Truth #12: Many times people who struggle with chronic pain become adept in covering it up. You may never see the magnitude of actual pain the person lives with daily and if you did it would shake you to your core. Chronic pain is exhausting and it touches every aspect of a person's life. Chronic pain sufferers are chronically sleep deprived. Sleep would be a welcome relief, but unless heavily medicated a chronic pain sufferer will also suffer from insomnia. Many chronic pain sufferers have addiction issues and ride that roller coaster in search of relief. Chronic pain will drain a person both mentally and physically changing a person over time which can lead to other health problems. Often times this person becomes irritable and dislikes being around people, commotion and noise. Chronic pain damages a person's concentration and makes doing even simple tasks a challenge at times. Most chronic pain sufferers try to ignore the pain and live a normal life, but doing that is next to impossible. Chronic pain damages a person's self-esteem and self-worth because the person cannot do the things they have done in the past. A chronic pain sufferer sees themselves as damaged goods thus less than everyone else around them. They are forced to accept their limitations and this causes great internal strife. Often times they feel like everyone is disppointed or mad at them for not being 100% anymore because they feel that way about themselves. Chronic pain breeds isolation and severe depression and sometimes chronic pain sufferers take their own lives when the mental and physical pain becomes unbearable. 

I WASN'T EXPECTING A MIRACLE

Like many people who get trapped into the downward spiral that narcotics use brings, I endured years and years of the effects of the feeling that no dose was ever quite enough. That feeling is what makes narcotics use so dangerous and so deadly. That need and want to always use just a little more to get just a little more relief from pain can be a real killer. It can and will suck the life right out of you. I've had many friends succumb to that need. I dabbled with narcotics in my youth, but my serious narcotic use started from prescribed drugs as an adult after having my first spinal surgery. That was at a time before there was a crackdown on prescribing narcotics. Initially, I started out with mild painkillers and worked my way into more heavy duty ones over time as my dependence on them grew as my condition worsened. Eventually, my primary care doctor referred me to a pain management specialist when she felt she could no longer treat me. At that point I was taking 2 time released Oxycontin daily and I was being prescribed 4 Percocet10's daily for any breakthrough pain. Believe it or not, I was not zonked! In fact, most people didn't even know I was taking painkillers. Let's just say I had a pretty high tolerance.

I was never able to get steroid injections in my back and neck because I'm highly sensitive to steroids. The one time I did have a steroid injection in my knee, my blood sugar spiked to over 600 and even with insulin injections (I'm diabetic) it wouldn't go down for over a week. Anyone who has battled high blood sugar knows that all over sick feeling one has with high blood sugar. Twice in my life I've stopped using narcotics cold turkey and twice in my life it was not a fun experience. I don't plan to do it a third time.

Written April 9, 2009

Truth? As far out on the edge as I’ve teetered, something has always kept me from stepping into the abyss. Truth? My pain and I have a very intimate relationship. It’s very complicated and the only lasting relationship I’ve ever had. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship full of angst and exploration leading me into places where I’m able to forget my pain temporarily. During those times, life has been wonderful and filled with adventures, but nonetheless those times were temporary.

Is there anyone out there who has ever gotten to the point of saying “I’m done”? Well, what do you do when you’re done? What do you do when you look back at the life you’ve lived and see that it’s taken you to a place of true complacency and indifference? Wow! That’s a place I never thought I’d be! Anger maybe. Rage was always a possibility. Bitterness was always aching to be number one on the hit parade, but what did I get? Complacency and indifference salted with a dash of disillusionment.

Without all the gory details, I recently made a decision that possibly could be the queen of all my self-destructive acts. I know some might think anyone making the decision to stop an addiction… any addiction is a wise decision. Perhaps it is! What would one say to someone who is addicted to prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxers and who has decided to stop taking those drugs against medical advice? Hmmmmmmm! Go for it? Good luck? You’re a damn fool? There’s no escaping the truth. When you’re done, you’re done.

Truth? Drugs have veiled many of my written words over the past several years. Okay, for some that may come as no big surprise, but for me it does. What surprises me is that after living through the horrors of drug abuse at a younger age, I allowed myself to take the easy way out as an adult and become something I hated. I would like nothing more than to be able to blame the doctors who prescribed the drugs to me, but I can’t do that. I won’t do that! They had a job to do and did it. What transpired was a perfectly legal act, although some might question the ethics or morals involved.

Was I some drug-seeking individual that goes from doctor to doctor hoping to score some decent drugs? Truth? No! My medical problems set me on the path of having the best drugs health insurance could legally buy. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast includes developing a tolerance to prescribed narcotics. What may work initially only becomes a way to take the edge off and feel somewhat normal…. whatever normal is I’ve forgotten.

After careful consideration, I decided to go cold turkey. Is that the politically correct term these days or is it only showing my age? I decided to do this withdrawal in stages thinking that it would be easier on me due to other health issues. Instead of weaning myself off my meds, I abruptly stopped taking my Oxycontin first and now, I’m in the throes of a nasty divorce from Percocet 10’s. The muscle relaxers were flushed sometime in the midst of all this madness. Has my last month been fun? Hell no, but what I do know is that withdrawal can be accomplished. All it takes is determination and insanity will take you the rest of the way.

Written 6/18/18

Plunder Woman

While I've been MIA (missing in action) lately, I've been working towards cleansing my system of all the gnarly narcotics that have held me prisoner [AGAIN] for the past 15 years. Since 2003, I've taken the whole spectrum of painkillers and have to admit nothing works very well these days. Why continue taking something that doesn't give me any relief? Why continue taking something that harms my already compromised liver? Because I've chosen to make what I think is an informed decision, I'm in the process of weaning myself off morphine because cold turkey is a real bitch. Trust me, I've been down that road a time or two and I definitely don't want to visit that rocky path ever again.

Over the last 15 years I've taken every NSAID known to man, plus Tramadol, Lortab, Percocet, Oxycontin, Methadone, Fentanyl and Morphine. You name it and I've taken it. I've used TENS units and even had 2 internal neurostimulators implants that are wired directly into my spine. I've had two separate anterior discectomies with fusions to fuse 4 of my 7 cervical discs. I have to admit not being able to look up or turn my head has been a little challenging at times. And as for the surgeries, they've done little to alleviate my pain. My last neurosurgeon told me that there was nothing else that he could do to help me. He basically told me that I'd have to grin and bear it.

I've also tried exercise, heated pool therapy, regular physical therapy, massages, chiropractic adjustments, heat and ice with no substantial or long term relief from anything I tried. The only things I haven't tried at this point are steroid injections that are injected directly into the site that's causing the pain and acupuncture. As ordered by my endocrinologist, I can't ever do the steroid injections because steroids make my blood sugar skyrocket. And acupuncture?  To be honest, the thought of being a human pin cushion (even though they say no pain is involved) doesn’t exactly excite me, so I think this particular predicament is called being S.O.L. (shit out of luck)

Physically, I've gone from being Wonder Woman to being a lackluster cave-dwelling crone. Mentally, I've learned to suffer in silence. Isolation is a common tool used by many people with serious medical issues and by people who have simply given up and don't want to play the "happy" game any longer. It's easier to be isolated than it is to be around people. That overwhelming urge to put on a happy face has worn me out. It’s difficult to maintain that “everything is just peachy” act for very long and the older I get, the more that desire wanes. That's why I became a hermit. No, that's not entirely true. The combination of severe chronic pain and my lifelong inability to select a significant other who isn't a complete twisted freak-a-zoid asshole are the two major reasons for becoming a troglodyte. The wealthy call it being an eccentric recluse and the poor call it life after the fast lane. I call it how Mildred maintains some semblance of sanity. 

Recently I decided to give medical marijuana a whirl. Both my primary care doctor and my pain management doctor gave me their blessing regarding my decision. Florida legalized marijuana for medicinal use in the 2016, but have always steered clear until now due to all the hoop jumping that's involved.  Once I finally made the decision, I carefully followed all the necessary steps dotting all i's and crossing all t's. Unfortunately, I know what a clusterfuck anything pertaining to the government can be. Anything they handle on a local, state or federal level involves too much red tape that only slows the process of forward movement and expands the room for errors to be made every step of the way.

First, I made an appointment to see Dr. Feelgood. Next, I had my medical records from my pain management doctor and my primary care doctor faxed to Dr. Feelgood. This was done to substantiate a medical diagnosis that is on the list of qualifying diseases and conditions. Previous medical records also help Dr. Feelgood to write a personalized prescription/care plan. Next, I kept my appointment (BTW, Dr. Feelgood really knew her stuff.) Once a person sees the doc and her recommendation is submitted along with your Patient ID number, the mandatory application for a Medical Marijuana card from the state with a $75 required fee (everyone has to get their piece of the pot pie) can be submitted online or by snail mail. About 2 weeks later, I received an email me with my card number. Until I receive my actual card, the email with the card number enables me to make purchases.  They say it takes about 4 to 6 weeks to receive the actual card. That's the speed of light for any government agency! I'll believe 4 to 6 weeks once I have my card in my hand is really 4 to 6 weeks.

There's two dispensaries where I live and both do home deliveries. I'll most likely use that service in the future, but I wanted to check out the dispensary in person for my first purchase. I like to see how things work and if they run smoothly. It gives me an overall picture of whether or not I'm dealing with a bunch of imbeciles. It helps keep my expectations in the realm of reality. I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised by the whole operation at Surterra Wellness right down to the ATM standing all shiny and new inside the dispensary. This feature made a lot of sense since the marijuana business is all cash and carry due to the current Federal laws and banking restrictions.They would have really impressed me if they had a blood plasma center on site so people could sell some blood to buy their weed. That's what I would have called one stop shopping!

The dispensary was a strange trip...nothing like copping a little weed back in the day from the friendly neighborhood pot dealer! Upon checking in for my first one stop shopping experience, I found out that my approved card number didn't show up in the Florida Stoners-R-Us database when the dispensary tried to access it. So I sat there and called the 800 number into the state registry. Ring! Ring! Ring! I first accessed their automated menu hoping I pushed all the right selections to talk to an actual human being. Of course, there were many callers ahead of me, but the automated recording assured me that the first available representative would help me and thanked me for waiting patiently. I wonder who I'd have to register a complaint with regarding the "on hold" music that played in my ear while I waited. I beg your pardon, but elevator music is not acceptable to listen to for more than 5 seconds and what stoner do you know who listens to that crap? Pink Floyd would have been easier on the ears!

Fast forward about 45 minutes later and the state informed me that I indeed had been approved and the number emailed to me was correct. Duh! I knew the number was correct. The state knew the number was correct. I wanted to know why the dispensary couldn't access my correct account number. That issue was never answered. "I don't know" didn't seem like an acceptable answer, but I wasn't going to push the issue because I didn't want my correct account number to permanently float around lost in cyberspace. What I did was accept some things are meant to remain a mystery. So now, I'm back at square one. The dispensary needed to be able to access my account via my top secret correct account number. If the dispensary couldn't access my account with the prescription from my pot doc, then I wouldn't be able to make a purchase. Period! Why would I ever expect anything to ever go smoothly from start to finish and not be riddled with all sorts of Murphy's laws? I don't know how, but somehow magically, my card number appeared in the database after my phone call to Florida's Stoners-R-Us registry. Go figure! It must have been a miracle!

Now fast forward to the present day: Pensacola now has 6 dispensaries in anticipation of Florida legalizing cannabis in the near future. I think they're trying to get it on the ballot in 2020. Hip! Hip! Hooray! Like the title of this blog post indicates, I wasn't expecting a miracle, but smoking marijuana has helped with my pain and it's kept me off narcotics. That's the important thing. You see, unlike with narcotics I'm not going to die from using cannabis.  It is, however an ongoing process of educating myself regarding the various strains and what works best for me. For instance: Sativa strains are for daytime use and Indica strains are for nighttime use. Hybrids are potent blends for anytime use :). I won't bore all you non-users with a bunch of tips from Mildred, but please know Mildred is much better than she has been in a long, long time! And Martha has been like a ray of sunshine and a real blast from my past! Together we're just two radical old stoners looking for the ultimate munchies :)

*Repost from November 4, 2019

Update: (December 8, 2022) I'm still not taking any narcotics. Hooray for me! I still use medical marijuana for depression, anxiety, insomnia and pain. I have a few favorites strains I use specifically for pain. Dutch Treat, Grandaddy Purple, 9lb Hammer and Duct Tape have been excellent in helping alleviate my pain symptoms. Pensacola now has 11 dispensaries. The cannabis business seems to be booming!