People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done.

Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun" Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!

I think it has to do with having an addictive personality. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned. Actually, that's probably a good thing!

Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.


  1. I've got nothing for you on the sexual abuse.

    In my own case, I thought finally talking about it after 30 years would be a true catharsis, but it wasn't...because no one really had an idea of what to say or do for me.

    So, I will merely wish you good luck today and offer a hug to the part of you who kept you strong and alive.

  2. pain is like an octopus. its many arms worm and weave around inside us. We lop off one tendril only to discover 20 more.
    I wish you the best.
    And I thank you for pausing and visiting my blog :)


  3. HOLY CRAP Mildred! Your comment on my page brought me to your page and I know exactly where you are coming from!! I hope your appointment went well. We can only get better if we want to.
    xoxo me (Candy aka Phoenix aka Imagine)<<---- I need to find a name that sticks.

  4. Jnuts, thank you...I needed that!

    Kat, I'm attempting to not be self absorbed which I find is difficult under the circumstances.

    Imagine, when I read your post it was like I was reading my own words. I guess people are more connected and alike sometimes than we want to admit.