To make a long, boring story short and simple: A guy I've been friends with since my teenage years threatened me about four months ago. My initial reaction was to try to find out what was wrong, but in doing so, I quickly saw I had made the situation worse, so I backed off. The particulars of the threat are somewhat complicated, but have to do with a website I created in 2002. As not to rock the boat (I take threats seriously), I complied with his demand of removing him from being a member of the website. I immediately sought legal advice regarding the website because his wasn't the first threat I had received. I had dealt with others not long after the website had been created, but I've had smooth sailing until now. Ultimately, I password protected the website and have specific disclaimers on it. Problem solved!
A few days ago, a mutual friend contacted me informing me that the drama queen in question wanted to be a member of the website again. He had called her whining and claiming he had tried emailing me and I was ignoring him (a total lie...the last I heard from him was when he threatened me on the telephone). What he cleverly set up was her to be his intermediary. Let me interject that during the last 4 months, I have never tried to divy up our mutual friends. I didn't feel that what had transpired between us should have anything to do with his relationship with other people. It was strictly between he and I.
Truth? Yes, a part of me wants to cave-in, but that other voice in me is stronger. I know everyone always excuses all his bad behavior as being "okay" because this is how he acts all the time. I'm sorry, but it's time to get off the train. What other people see as being acceptable, I find as being hurtful and damaging. I don't want friends who threaten me. I'm not a doormat and I feel that's what I would become by welcoming him back as the "prodigal son." I'm trying not to get confused on this issue, but my judgment isn't at its best right now. I've got so many other things going on in my head...
Feed back, PLEASE!!!!
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for the voices of reason out here in the blogosphere.
first off...don't you just hate drama at our age?...well, I'm older than you, but you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI dont exactly know what I'd do since I don't know all the details, but I do know that if if I were in your situation, I'd simply delete the website. There you go, fucker! Happy?
If the website is too important to you, I'd go on instinct where he is concerned. Is it a legal threat? A physical threat? Both?
I do not believe in giving limitless "second" chances. If I'm continually hurt because of someone's behavior, then I have to take control and protect myself...emotionally (and physcially, if need be).
It's sad, I know, but, dammit, sometimes you have to think of yourself FIRST!
One thing I truly don't want to be is an enabler of any kind. Open the door to this man and you set yourself up for more pain.*
*I'm really good at giving advice. I'm not real good at taking it.
The website benefits many people so I wouldn't remove it due to him being a horse's ass. He acts out when he needs attention and is very narcissistic. You know...he claims to love greater than anyone in history ever has, to suffer the most, etc etc It's all about him! It all means that the rest of us who he claims to be his friends don't understand him at all because we can't know the depth of his feelings. He was having a bad day that was his excuse for threatening me...WTF???? Who gives a flying fuck about his bad day? I've known him for almost 40 years and he's always been the same way, but the stuff we did when we were younger looks really stupid when it's done at our age. I want to scream at him and tell him to grow the fuck up, but it would fall on deaf ears.
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say the threat was both legal and physical. He's used to bullying people and I don't bully very well. I never have.
ReplyDeletethere is your answer, then.
ReplyDeleteyou probably know exactly what you need to do, but doing it without bringing more drama is where the problem lies.
if he never been any different than he is right now, the decision should be easy. people don't really change...certainly not after so many years.
if all your other friends feel the same way about the man, it should be easier, as you all could present a united front.
Mildred honey, some people ar just like cancer and if you let them, they grow bigger until they take over and kill you.
ReplyDeleteYou are in remission from that particular cancer, best to stay that way. The world is full of non-toxic people.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
It is simple really. Once a person abuses you by threatening you, you must excise them from your life. To readmit them just empowers them and in the long run invites more bad conduct. While this may seem harsh and extreme any other approach invites co-dependency and misery. The best thing to do is to structure your life and your organizations to have only people who contribute joy and kindness.
ReplyDeleteAn apt example of this might be Spaces, which had a nice community that was eventually destroyed by unhappy trolls. Spaces had no effective tools to allow its users to effectively bar them so they eventually wore people down and the community is mostly gone now. Don't let that happen to your other productive community.
Loach: I couldn't agree more, and "Spaces" is a perfect example.
ReplyDeleteCandy, thanks for returning the favor and yes, I definitely don't need a cancer growing in any part of me.
ReplyDeleteLaoch, I know what seems to be simple sometimes isn't when it comes to people we've know what seems like forever, but I've started putting my own welfare first and I do know what the right thing is. I did it 4 months ago. I guess I just needed to hear it from others for it to really make sense so I'd continue doing it.
What happened in Spaces totally sucked and was preventable. I can't believe MSN let it happen. They lost so many great bloggers due to the troll population getting out of hand.
I agree with everyone here, banish him and be done with it. Life has enough shitholes no sense in spending time in his. Sorry, today is turning out to be a very blunt speaking day for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by my blog and I am very flattered that you have me on your list that you follow.
Vital.
Vital, honesty is always appreciated here ...in any form!
ReplyDelete*nods head in agreement with all prior statements.
ReplyDeleteone thing i can add from personal experience is that with trolls like these, you have to be the one to sever the connection and KEEP it severed. open that door just a nano-crack and these people will just bull their way right through it and knock you over in the process....