Sunday, March 14, 2021
AN EMOTIONAL CUTTER'S LIFE - PART I
Tuesday, February 23, 2021
FOREVER
It's a good thing I was by myself when I wrote this poem because I cried the whole time I was writing it. Yes, I actually wrote it and didn't type it. There's something about holding a pencil that seems to stir something in me, but it's difficult to stay inspired with a snotty nose and tears dripping all over the place. Somehow, I managed to find the "right" words and finish the poem. My first draft I emailed to my "bestie" and of course, she thought it was lovely. But, I'm wondering if she thought it sucked if she would have told me to go back to the drawing board and keep working. That thought brought a smile to my face...
Forever
And then nothing filled her
eyes.
I can’t prevent the ending…
Forever
She gifted me with life and love.
Now, outstretched while
growing cold.
And from her death tears
erupted…
Forever
And my heart won’t be the same.
Still somehow, I march forward…
Forever
While trying to drown the
pain
Prevents
this crevice from closing…
Forever
You never thought I listened.
While you showed me who I am
I hope you knew I loved you…
Forever
My heart was opened wide.
That moment remains eternal…
Forever
You tell me to reach inside.
I get my strength from you…
Forever
You’re all around me always.
A deafening silence holds
you there.
You will live on inside me…
Forever
I know how things must happen.
Reality stares me in the eyes.
Until someday I join you…
Forever
I still have these tears to
cry
But each sunset brings a
sunrise…
Forever.
💔
by Mildred Ratched
22 Feb 2021
Friday, January 29, 2021
THERE'S A TRAITOR IN THE HOUSE!
Since my family is all from New England finding out I had ties to the Mayflower and the Salem witches came as no surprise to me. In fact, I'm related to a dozens of the witches. Elizabeth "Goody" Proctor is my 9th great grandmother. She's the one the book, The Crucible was written about so when it's a full moon and I get a yearning to rip my clothes off and dance naked in the backyard now I know why or at least I have a story I can tell the police when they come to get me. Speaking of books and authors...Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House On The Prairie) is a cousin, also, but I don't think I have that prairie thing going on, but Mildred definitely can rock a witch's hat!
Today wasn't a great day for discovery. Benedict Arnold popped up. I know all families have skeletons and scalawags, but traitors??? Okay! I guess I'll have to own it. It's not a close tie. He's like a 4th cousin 8 times removed. That doesn't even qualify as a kissing cousin, does it? Who of you out there understand the generational relationship when someone says so and so is 2nd cousin 3 times removed or 2 times removed? Anyway, I'll take Benedict Arnold just as long as I don't find out I'm related to Donald Trump. I know there's a fat chance of that happening because all my DNA is planted in the British Isles. I better shut up. He might have a smidgeon of Irish or Scottish tucked up his fat ass somewhere and it really would make me cry if I found out we're kissing cousins.
Speaking of crying, yesterday while sitting at a traffic light I had my one of my "moments." There was a lone bird sitting on a wire and as I watched it, I started crying. Now, as I type this I'm starting to cry again. My mother used to tell me that all birds sit on wires in the same direction. I used to tell her she's crazy. Every time I'd see birds, I'd always look and they'd never be sitting the same way. Where she got that idea I never knew, but it became a standard joke my kids and I would tease her about. Yesterday, there was just one little bird sitting alone and it made me cry. The flood gates opened and I cried all the way to the doctor's office.
I went there because I haven't been feeling well. That was an ordeal! No one there knew my mother had passed away. No, I don't want anything to help me to sleep! No, I don't want an anti-depressant. I just want my stomach to feel better (I have serious digestive issues) and I want my blood pressure to behave itself. My doc changed my blood pressure med and decided to let my gastro doc handle the other issues since I had an appointment with her today. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better and actually eat food once in awhile. That'll certainly improve my whole outlook or at least make my digestive system do a happy dance. Does anyone remember what it felt like when you were a kid and you just felt good? Well, that's my goal! I want to remember what good feels like. Not great, but good. I know there's going to be days when I hurt, but I'm tired of this "golden years" bullshit that we get fed and then we get here and it's a bunch of lies and bullshit.My goal tomorrow is to do some more work on the bedroom so I can work towards getting it ready to move into it EVENTUALLY. My kids are worried that it will bother me to move into my mother's old bedroom, but I think I'm okay with it and of course, my dogs are okay with wherever I am as long as they get at least 75% of my bed.
Wednesday, January 13, 2021
HELP!
I can't go out to my mother's art studio without crying. I don't know what I'm going to do with all her artwork. There's probably at least thousand paintings out there. Her bedroom needs to be cleaned out and I can't seem to even do that. And then there's the matter of business stuff I need to do...the will, getting the deed to the house transferred to my name, checking on why the life insurance has been so slow in paying the claim, etc. I just can't seem to do anything. All I do is sit here and watch the news and oh boy, that's going to cheer me up!
I don't even have any words for the depths of the despair I feel towards what has happened to this country lately. For a moment I had a glimmer of hope and then it was all snuffed out. I never thought I'd see a sitting president damage our great nation in the ways that Donald Trump has damaged and divided it.
I stopped going on Facebook...I guess loneliness has lured back to stay in touch with my friends and family. Desperation will make a person do strange things. So I hold my nose and I log on to that cesspool of hate and discontent. Usually, I don't post anything, but yesterday I couldn't help myself. Afterwards, I felt like I needed to take a shower! Below is what posted:
It really disheartens me by the amount of hate and division people seem willing to spread instead of trying to start to mend this great divide we have in our country. Why do people keep posting inflammatory things on their Facebook pages and then act wounded when someone challenges what they post? Look, if you don’t want controversy then don’t post controversy. Yes, you have a right to your opinion, but if you post something, don’t whine like a little girl if someone disagrees with you because everyone is entitled to their opinion and opinions vary. They always will!Unfortunately, in these times people are going to lose friends because let’s face it...politics and religion are two controversial subjects and unless we learn to listen to one another with empathy and without bloodshed this country is in real jeopardy. I think each of us needs to give that some serious thought. We aren’t enemies. We’re Americans and we need to start acting like Americans. We need to come together and heal this country. Remember united we stand, divided we fall...and we WILL fall if we don’t get our act together. The solution to the problem will not be accomplished through violence or division!
Sunday, December 06, 2020
ROSALIE
The doctors said she had Alzheimer's. I disagreed. I was right. They were wrong, but it took many years to coax her back into the land of the living. She obviously had some kind of breakdown. So many things happened in rapid succession that I think it overloaded her brain. It all started with her having breast cancer. She never reacted like anyone else being told they had cancer. She reacted more like she was told she had a fart crosswise and all she had to do is take a double dose of Gas-X to get some relief. Her reaction was almost eerie. Then there was the Category 4...almost a 5 hurricane that hit us directly. She totally lost it and wanted to be taken to the hospital. I'm sorry, but ambulances don't run in 150 mph winds. In fact, nothing runs in that kind of wind storm.
She also had her driving privileges taken away from her and that hit her hard. In fact, that hit her harder than having cancer. That made her mad, but having cancer didn't! I never understood that one. I was relieved when they took her license because my mother had to be one of the worst driver's on the road. For 25 years before they took her license, I wouldn't ride with her if she was behind the wheel. If we went anywhere, I drove. In all honesty, she really was an accident waiting to happen. It probably was a blessing she didn't learn to drive until she was 30 something years old.
Then there was decline of my father's health (cardiac and kidneys) which led to his demise. I suppose a person can only take so much before their mind goes into survival mode. That's when the aliens came and rescued my mother leaving behind just an empty pod that looked like her. I took good care of that pod for almost 10 years and then one day, the aliens returned. My mother came home. She started painting again and reading again and doing all the things she used to love to do just like it was only yesterday. She really didn't have any memories of that time period that stood out in her mind when I questioned her about it.
What was almost 10 years to me and the rest of the family was at most a few days for her. In all that time she never mentioned my father or his dying. In fact, she did little talking about anything unless I really prodded her into it. Trust me, I tried everything....doctors, therapists, drugs, taking trips "home" to Maine, etc, etc. and NOTHING worked. Time was what she needed, so time was what I gave her. She even fell and broke her hip during the EPS. Now, that was a tricky situation to get her through physical therapy and up walking again, but with determination on my side, she did it and returned home from having surgery and then a 6 week stay in rehab. I know I'm luckier than most people. My mother has been around a very long time. She turned 92 on her last birthday in February.
On October 24th my mother fell and broke her other hip.
While she was in the hospital, I kept most people updated about her progress via text or on Facebook. It was easier than to having to repeat the same things 50 times in a row. The only people I actually talked to during this time period other than my children and a few friends were my brothers.
My final update about my mother was written and posted on December 3rd:
This afternoon my mother passed away. While I have to admit that I am relieved that her pain and suffering is finally over, my heart is broken. The sorrow that consumed both my daughter and I as we looked down upon my mother was overwhelming and as I finally walked down that long hallway away from Covenant Care Hospice at West Florida Hospital it took every ounce of strength I had to put one foot in front of the other and leave my mother behind forever.
I can't begin to express the sorrow I feel and how my heart is broken in a million pieces after watching my mother develop pneumonia and A-fib, have a pulmonary embolism, get sepsis from an UTI and lose the ability to swallow and have to have a feeding tube surgical placed in her stomach for nutrition. Basically, she went from being a healthy 92 year old on October 24th to being placed in hospice on December 2nd to dying on December 3rd.
I'm a grown woman, yet I feel like an orphaned child. I walk around my house and feel her presence everywhere, yet she's gone. I'm okay one minute and I'm crying like a baby the next. I don't even know if that's what I'm suppose to do. I keep asking myself, "What am I suppose to do with myself now?" I never gave this day any thought. I never thought about me in the grand scheme of things. My focus was always on other people...always on my step-father and on my mother. Thinking about myself now feels so foreign. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad and I just want to feel like I have a purpose. I just want to feel something other than feeling this horrible sadness.
This photo was taken not long after my mother was first admitted to the hospital. It's nice to see that she was still capable of smiling here.
At this point I think I had accepted my mother's fate...
When she was moved to hospice, I covered her with the afghan her mother had made for her. I wanted her to feel close to her mother. For some reason, I felt that was important. She always kept this afghan folded at the end of her bed. Her mother, my grandmother passed away in 1974.
Monday, October 05, 2020
Surgery on the 9th
Instead of remaining MIA, I felt a short explanation was appropriate. This surgery is something I've been putting off for quite awhile and I'll post more details about it after I have it done on the 9th. Right now, I've been trying to finish up all the hurricane clean-up, etc. and to prepare myself mentally for having more surgery.
Sunday, September 20, 2020
Hurricane Blues
My power went out at 8:05pm on the 15th. Periodic trips to my car to charge my cellphone has kept me partially sane and connected to the rest of the world. Eventually, I’ll be back if anyone is wondering what happened to me. No, I didn’t blow away! I been through much worse storms than Hurricane Sally, but I do have to admit she surprised most everyone around here. I’ll post pictures, etc when I have electricity and internet again. Until then, let’s hope the Gulf of Mexico remains peaceful.
Sunday, August 23, 2020
Hunger
Here's another group I'm not familiar with, but this fluid-moving "ginger" is worth watching. Florence Welch wrote this song about her eating disorder. And yes, we all do have a hunger! Most of us have a hunger to be free of this pandemic. We need new leadership, so vote like your life depends upon it because it does.
Sunday, August 09, 2020
Blogger's Anonymous
God grant me the senility to forget the people I have never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The 12 Steps of Blogger's Anonymous:Addendum: When I was going through therapy several years ago, I used to write a gratitude statement at the end of each post as a requirement from my yoyo inspector (therapist). Now, whenever I go back and read some of those gratitude statements I smile and shake my head. She was wise to have me write a gratitude statement as I used my blog as the the journal she asked me to keep as I went through therapy with her.
1) We admit we are powerless over the need to blog and that our life often times has revolved around our blogs.
2) We believe that a power greater than ourselves exists, and its name is whatever website you use to host your blog.
3) We have made the decision to turn our lives and what skill we have over to the care of a word processing program, that it may help us create that which we cannot do on our own.
4) We have made and continue to make a searching and fearless inventory of other blogs to find humor, wit and wisdom wherever we can.
5) We admit that we cannot create insightful entries without the help of our life’s experiences.
6) We are entirely ready to let the blogging police try to find all inappropriate material on our blogs.
7) We humbly ask that our blogs are not deleted due to the inappropriate material contained within.
8) We have made a list of all the persons who own better blogs than we do and are willing to try and outdo them.
9) We admit our jealousy of those who create better blogs than we do and appeal to them whenever possible to show us the way to blogging glory.
10) We continue to edit our entries and promptly update to be read more often and to inspire and lure people to leave comments.
11) We crave the secrets of having a successful, well-traveled blog.
12) We have had a spiritual awakening as to why we try to lure others into this blogging lunacy and to spread the addiction to whomever we can.
Gratitude statement: I am truly thankful for the ability to express myself via written words and to connect with others as a result of the things I write. This is Mildred Ratched signing off as I recite The Senility Prayer! (3 times because I'm OCD) lol
Monday, August 03, 2020
SCATTERED THOUGHTS
Saturday, August 01, 2020
To Breathe or Not To Breathe
Friday, July 31, 2020
Age Is Just A Number
Thursday, July 30, 2020
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Sunday, July 26, 2020
A CRACK IN MY WHEEL BARROW
Part way through the task, two of my dogs wanted to go back in the house because they do not like the humidity. The other dog seems resistant to the presence of humidity and will stay outside all day with me. He's my little helper! It's a shame I can't teach him how to prune shrubbery and do other outside tasks. We have detailed conversations about the plants, the birds and other happenings in the yard. After finishing up with the birds, I decided I'm going to start working on my next rock statue. In order to do this, I need to make a trip to Lowe's to purchase a new wheel barrow. My old one has had a nervous breakdown. It's been fixed so many times, it's gotten way beyond repair and can't haul heavy rocks in it. I could carry them, but I'd rather save my back and let a wheel barrow do the work.
I went in the house to clean up a bit and to ask my son to accompany me to Lowe's. I knew which wheel barrow I wanted so the trip would be a short one. They have them lined up right outside the front of the store so all I needed to do is go inside and pay for one and a clerk will come out and unlock the chain and I can get my wheelbarrow and we can go. When we first got there, we looked at the wheel barrow I wanted and we discussed whether or not we thought it would fit in the car. We both thought it would, so off we went to purchase it. The line wasn't too brutal...everyone was wearing masks. The sun was out and Sunday looked like it was going to be a wonderful day.
I finally get up to the register, I pay for the wheel barrow, the clerk meets us outside and we can't get it in the car. Nope! It's not going to fit anyway we try it. I asked my son to go inside to see if they have one unassembled we can bring home and put together ourselves. While he's inside I'm standing there looking at the wheel barrow and this gentleman walks over to me and asks me if I need help putting the wheel barrow in my car. I look up at him and I almost fell over. There before me is this tall, handsome older man with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. I smiled at him and told him that my son and I had already tried numerous ways to get it in the car and it wouldn't fit. He asked me how far I lived from Lowe's. I told him that I only lived about 5 minutes away. He then offered the use of his truck if we trusted him. He said we could take a photo of his tag on his truck. I couldn't believe that people still helped one another out like that. He almost renewed my faith in humanity just in that small gesture of kindness.
Okay now, that I have your attention! All that really did happen except it wasn't a tall, good-looking older gentlemen who came over to me. In my dreams!!! SIGH!!! It was a couple and they were so nice. I really was amazed at their generosity. They put my wheel barrow on the back of their truck and brought it to my house. My son tried to pay them, but they refused. To pay it forward, we figured we would find some charity and donate some money to it. I think I'd like to donate to an animal charity. Maybe I'll ask my vet when I bring my Shih Tzu for blood work this week if they know of a local rescue place or something that needs a donation. I just hate giving money to places that don't use the money for the cause.
Anyway, so as soon as we get the wheel barrow unloaded, we load it up with the rocks I'm going to use for my statue and take the load to the spot in the backyard I want to build the statue. Then we go get the other load. In the process of doing this I find a two huge colonies of fire ants. I had my yard treated about 3 weeks ago for fire ants and it's supposed to be good for one year. I make a mental note to call Florida Pest Control in the morning and get them back out here. After all, the treatment was rather pricey and it's guaranteed for one year. The wheel barrow I chose was one of those wheel barrows with two wheels and the bed is made of some kind of hard durable plastic. I figured for what I would be using it for in my yard it would be fine. Oh Mildred, you need to just stop thinking and when you do think, do the complete opposite.
My son started tossing the rocks (some of them are really large) into the wheel barrow before I could tell him to take it easy that it isn't made of metal. The next thing I know the base of the wheel barrow had a large crack in it. Oops! I ended up having to call Lowe's and had to set up a date to have them come pick up this wheel barrow and have them issue me a refund, then I had to buy a new wheel barrow that is made of metal and pay a hefty delivery fee that is as much as what the wheel barrow costs. So when they come to pick up the the "old" wheel barrow, they'll bring me my new wheel barrow and all this is supposed to happen on the 30th.
Hallelujah! I'm having a Wheel Barrow Party on the 30th. I'm going to get drunk and sleep in my new wheel barrow or better yet, I'm going to get stoned and sleep in my new wheel barrow. Or maybe I'll get drunk and stoned and maybe some tall, handsome older gentleman will wheel me off somewhere...but, ONLY if he has a toolbelt and a truck and he knows how to use his tools! The S.O.B. better know how to use his tools or else he's outta here... Mildred isn't fooling around!
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Friday, July 17, 2020
A NIGHT TO REMEMBER
When asked where we were going, we chimed in and both said we were going to Stanetsky Memorial Chapels. The two hippie-looking cops gave each other a weird look when we said that, but then said to us that they couldn't take us all the way there because it's in a different district, but they could drop us off at the foot of the bridge. We knew that was a weird place to go in the middle of the night or anytime for that matter because it was a funeral parlor. Lynne explained that we had a close friend that worked there on the weekends and that he'd make sure we'd get home safely and he did exactly that, but only after being subjected to hearing us ramble on about yet another one of our BIG adventures. Thank you, Kenny Goldstein for being a lifesaver!
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
THE FACE OF A KILLER
His name is B.A. which doesn't mean anything. B. A. = Be Anything, but after the other night I think it needs to stand for BADASS. My Shih Tzu, Fenway is the Queen and the alpha dog of the house. She runs the roost. Fenway weighs about 16 lbs. Libby is a Dandie Dinmont Terrier and she weighs about 16 lbs. Although Fenway runs the roosts, she doesn't have what I would say is an aggressive personality. She's just bossy! Libby is generally pretty laid back until she's provoked or agitated and then she becomes very aggressive.
One of the first things a person notices when they come here is the amount of toys my dogs have, but the toys aren't for my dogs. They belong to B.A.!!! You see, if B.A. didn't have those toys to chew on, we wouldn't have a house. When he was younger, he chewed everything! And when I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING! He ate my box spring to my bed. He ate the living room carpet. He ate countless comforters on my bed. He ate eyeglasses. He ate my mother's false teeth. He ate furniture like he was a beaver. The question should be what didn't he eat? He doesn't do that stuff now, but he has his toys to chew on and he "husks" his toys. By husking them I mean he pulls all the stuffing and the squeakers out of them. And once he husks them we can't throw them away. So we have a toy box filled with toys in various stages of being destroyed, but to B.A. they're still great. He still drags them around like they're brand new.
The other evening after dinner I took all three dogs. I go out with them even though I do have a large fenced backyard. Before we knew it Libby and B.A. had cornered a raccoon, and then B. A. got it and killed it. I tried my best to intercede and tried to get B.A. to release the raccoon, but he wouldn't let go of it. He had a death grip on it and kept shaking it. By the time he did let go, it was dead. The other racoon kept trying to crawl up my pant leg because it was terrorized. I finally got it to leave before Libby noticed it and I hope it got scared enough to not come back in the yard again.
What freaked me out was how ferocious B.A. was. He's only 12 pounds...he kills rats, he kills moles. Who knows what else he kills. I know he runs off feral cats, but I think he'd have his hands full with a feral cat if he got in a fight with one. I realized once I started feeding the birds, the birdseed would attract other creatures, but I don't want a whole zoo in my yard and I definitely don't want my dogs fighting with wild animals. Sigh! I guess I need to start paying closer attention to what's happening outside in the menagerie before I let the killer hounds outside at dusk.
I'm an animal lover
Well, I don't love rats and stuff like that, but raccoons are cute.
And I know B.A. was only doing what his instinct told him to do, but it still made me feel bad...
Thursday, July 09, 2020
Is There A Contractor In The House?
My grand plan that Martha and I used laugh about was that when the pandemic was over and I felt I was back to my old running shape I was going to start hanging out....not in bars...fuck that! but I'd go to Lowe's or Home Depot in the Contractor's section and pick-up a contractor so I could get someone to help me to fix my house (you know we could work something out in trade...). I'd say, "Baby, show me your tool belt, your tools and your truck...and definitely your financial statement!" He'd probably call security on me and have me kicked out of the store. Hey, it's been awhile since I've picked someone up, but I bet I can still do it. My daughter gets aggravated whenever we go anywhere together and men flirt with me and not with her. ha! I think it's hysterical. My pheromones must be stronger than hers.