ADDING INSULT TO INJURY

We all do stupid things at times, but when I do something stupid, I always take it to a new level. My stupidity is almost like an art form...a thing of beauty to be remembered and talked about for decades. My newest act of stupidity started 3 days ago and I'm still shaking my head in amazement each time I think about it. Why bother doing that? Well, in part it has to do with being an "emotional cutter" plus I freely admit I'm a glutton for punishment! Seriously, just ask anyone who knows me! Load it on, baby! I can handle anything!

My colonoscopy and upper endoscopy was scheduled for 11:40am on Thursday, March 28th with a 10:40am check-in. Monday, I made sure I had all the necessary implements of torture to cleanse my system of all the bubblegum I swallowed back in 8th grade:

• a package of Dulcolax Tablets
• a 8.3 ounce bottle of Miralax
• two 32 ounce bottles of Gatorade
• all the suggested "clear" liquids to consume during the day before my colonoscopy

I chose the Miralax prep because the prep I used for my two previous colonoscopies were almost unbearable to drink. As we used to say in the days of my youth, it was enough to gag a maggot. They say to refrigerate the prep so it's easier to drink. Ha! If it tastes that bad cold, I can only imagine what it tastes like at room temperature. That'll bring tears to your eyes...and not in a joyful way!

On the day of my prep, I did everything as instructed:

•  I consumed NO food all day
•  I forced clear liquids only
•  At 12 noon, I took 4 Dulcolax tablets and then I mixed the whole bottle of Miralax with the Gatorade, then placed it in the refrigerator to chill
• At 6pm I drank one 8ounce glass of the Miralax/Gatorade mixture and continued to drink 8 ounces every 15 minutes until the entire 64 ounces were gone.
• And then I waited patiently and gave everyone in the house instructions to not dillydally in the downstairs bathroom or else they'd clean up the mess.

By 7:30pm a little ahead of schedule, I had consumed all the mixture. I had never drank Gatorade before, so I didn't know what to expect, but I have to admit it wasn't awful. The taste reminded me of what a salty/sweet, watered-down, orange-flavored Kool-aid might taste like. About an hour after I had finished, I felt a little nauseous, but that quickly passed, but nothing else passed at that time unfortunately.

8 o'clock came and went. 9 o'clock came and went. 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock came and went. By 1am, I was starting to get really tired. When 2am came, I was starting to get concerned. Of course, I googled how long it takes a Miralax colonoscopy prep to start working. All that did was make me more anxious. From what I read, the concoction starts working fairly fast. Yes, I have gastroparesis and my digestive system works at a crawl, but this prep was all liquid so there wasn't anything to digest. It should have been a straight shot from end to end. What was the delay?

At about 2:15am, my gut started rumbling so loud that it woke up the dogs. They looked startled as I scurried off to the bathroom. For the next hour, I ran to the bathroom every few minutes. By 3:30am, my gut felt a little better, so I laid down. I felt really fatigued and before I knew it I had fallen sound asleep. 

At about 4am, my sound sleep was interrupted by a gurgling brook. When I awoke, I was a little disoriented at first. I felt wet and there was a foul stench I couldn't quite identify. At first, I thought one of my dogs had had an accident, but as I became fully awake I realized what had happened. I laid there for a moment and rolled my eyes and shook my head! The wet sensation I felt was a gurgling fecal eruption that had happened while I slumbered. Oh yes! While I snoozed, my bowels oozed. I couldn't blame that on the dogs. I laid there trying to figure out how I was going to roll over and get out of bed without creating a bigger mess than there already was.

As I sat up, my gurgling brook started oozing down my legs. I quickly tried to stop it from reaching the floor by tightening the bottoms of my pajamas legs to hold the mess in. It had a tourniquet effect and prevented me from leaving a trail all the way to the bathroom. As I reached the bathroom walking slowly and quite bow-legged, I decided that I didn't like my black capri-length pajamas enough to salvage them. After I took a shower, I discarded my badly soiled pjs in a lavender-scented garbage bag. Ha! [Note to self: write to garbage bag company and tell them they need a stronger scent] I actually managed to tie a neat bow on top of the garbage bag with its bright red plastic ties. After all, it was like a gift going to the local landfill. If I had thought about it, I would have marked the white bag as being "Hazardous Waste" or "WARNING! OPEN AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Between being exhausted and trying to be as quiet as possible, my twisted sense of humor failed me. 

Before I left my house just after 10am to meet my 10:40am check-in time, I had one more eruption followed by another shower. I was beginning to wonder how they were ever going to give me a colonoscopy since I was nowhere near being cleaned out. All sorts of images flashed through my head and none of them were pleasant, yet all of them were quite comical. I could actually envision the words "prolific shitter" being documented in my medical records as a warning/reminder to the future medical staff members.

 

Because anyone getting a colonoscopy/endoscopy requires a person 18 years or older to accompany them to the facility and be their designated driver after the procedure, I brought my youngest son, Matthew with me. As I told him the events of my colonoscopy prep, the thought of his mother falling asleep and losing control of her bowels filled him with a sense that something was right with the world after all.

The story gets really intense here, so pay attention. When we entered the facility to check-in, I was told that my appointment was the next day. I just stood there speechless staring at the woman behind the counter. Somehow I had got my days mixed up and went through the prep for nothing. Does that qualify me as being a dumbass? I wonder how many people have done that exact same thing. 

At this point, my options were to wait around until after 5pm and let the other doctor do my procedures since my doctor wasn't on site that day, but I was told that the other doctor was already an hour and a half behind and it wasn't even 11am. They were even nice enough to call around to see if my doctor was at one of the other facilities, but alas, he was in the office all day and had no procedures scheduled. My other options were to continue to push clear liquids all day and to come back the next day to do my scheduled procedure or to reschedule my appointment. And the winner is...I chose to reschedule because I'm diabetic and felt it wasn't smart to go for two day without food. 

Now, to add insult to injury, when I left The Endoscopy Center I was famished so I had my son stop at one of my favorite restaurants for lunch...a Mexican place. I ordered fajitas. They were savagely devoured like I hadn't eaten in a month. I followed that by having an order of Nachos Bellgrande, two beef MexiMelts and two soft beef tacos from Taco Hell (Taco Bell) the very next day because nothing says glutton for punishment quite like eating food from Taco Hell. My already compromised digestive system was screaming, "WTF are you doing?" Yesterday afternoon, I finally completed my clean out by taking Imodium to quiet my bowels. They weren't just singing! They had gotten to the fever pitch of a heavy metal band. My intestines felt like they were in a crowded mosh pit with no way out. 

Things are back to normal now and my next appointment is scheduled for May 2nd. The moral to this story is DO NOT fall asleep after doing a colonoscopy prep and always know what day of the week it is.

*reposted and edited from March 19, 2019